Mirelly
04-28-2007, 08:51 AM
A Terrifying and De-vest-assizing earthquake (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/6602677.stm) struck the south-eastern British county of Kent this morning. Tens of thousands of pikeys have been made homeless after their trailer homes were rocked off their axles by the powerful tremor which reached nearly 43 on the RichTea scale. Hundreds of Dover residents were injured by flying biscuit crumbs because the violent tremors began at 8:15am and lasted for almost 1,900 million nanoseconds causing husbands to accidentally crack their Chocolate Digestives against their morning tea mugs, shattering them and sending dangerous crumbs flying.
Albert Figgis, 92, a retired pikey hop-picker, and renowned oyster-catcher, was quoted as saying: "it was just like the war," although he declined to say which one.
Thousands of power lines have been downed and the entire region has been blacked out to conserve energy as the crisis deepens. Prime Minister Blair rushed to the scene of the disaster and then raced home again to get his pants. He returned in time to find, half-baked British comedian, Sacha Baron Cohen, pretending to be an aid worker from Kazakhstan called, Borat.
The Queen has sent a message of sympathy, some tea bags, and a truck-load of horse manure from her Sandringham stables so that this-years' Kentish rose-growers' blooms will not suffer from the catastrophe that has seriously weakened the root systems of several rose bushes in what has been Britain's driest county for the last 300 years.
The news was broken to an ashen faced President Bush as soon as he woke this morning at Camp David. The president immediately issued a message of sympathy to the Governor of Ohio. He later sent another to Queen Elizabeth. He then met with the Japanese Prime Minister Abe, and asked him why he'd shaved off his beard and stopped wearing the tall hats.
The International Red Cross and Oxfam have launched a joint appeal for aid. Cash money and checks are welcome but the aid committee are asking for emergency aid for the dozen of the most seriously affected: the chav community. Particularly in demand are the items in the list, below.
All donation may be sent to the Oxfam Collection and Distribution Centre, PO Box 42, Didcot, Oxon.
Urgently Needed Items
200,000 Goodfella's Deep Pan Pepperoni Pizza's (Large: Frozen)
As much WKD as can be shipped before Thresher's opens.
42" Plasma TVs (Must be Hi-definition enabled - we don't want no rubbish!)
iPods - top o' the range (remember these people are not used to making do with second best)
Due to the power outages tens of thousands of chavs will be unable to reach a mall this weekend. Your donations of clothing will allieviate the most severe symptoms of post-kaching-deprivation-stress syndrome. Remember: brand new stuff only (please leave the receipt in bag in case a recipient wishes to return your gift to the store for refund after weaing it once. Acceptable brands include:
Anything that looks like Burberry
Jimmy Choos (poor chavs can't normally afford daisies like that, so this offertoonity is 'eaven sent.
Talking of scent, a few gallons of some trendy "pulling water" wouldn't go amiss. How about some o' that stuff wot Bwitney's been flogging?
Lastly and most importantly several house has been rendered uninhabitable after the tragedy. Although the damage is mostly smoke-staining caused by householders rushing out into the streets to cry "gaw blimey, guvnor, luv a duck, would you Adam an' Eve it!" and forgetting that (a) they are not proper Cockneys, cos their grandparents left the East End after it was demolished to make room for World War Two and (b) that they had left bread in the toaster. Please, please, please, help these homelss people with your gift of a 14 night hotel break (not Spain, please, these people have been there and got the tee shirts (even if those tee-shirts are now on the backs of African refugees courtesy of Oxfam) ... no ... the Maldives or Phi Phi looks good this year.Please be generous. Remember that nowhere is safe from earthquakes and this latest seismological terror has hit close to the British Capital. That even Edna Rockett, 42, of 134 Nelson Mandela Tower, Pomeroy Street, New Cross, commented that if the earthquake had waited to strike during the olympics it would spell disaster.
BLACK COUNTRY BUGLE
Residents of Black Country town, Dudley, are scoffing it has been revealed. Mostly they are scoffing a hearty breakfast of faggots and peas, but they are also annoyed that the Kent disaster is getting more press than what they call "the Big One" that struck parts of Lower Gornal and Pensnett in 2002. Local celebrity, Ms Mirelly, 53, said: "during that one, I was woken up at 3am and my bed was shaking. The shaking went on for at least 10 seconds. The dudley quake was at least 4.8 on the Richter scale and the devestation in Kent just shows that all Southerners are pooftahs and cowboy-builders. We only had a few cracked chimneys. Our homes are built to last, up here in the frozen ... er midlands."
After speaking to the press, Ms Mirelly shuffled back indoors to make a nice cup of tea.
Albert Figgis, 92, a retired pikey hop-picker, and renowned oyster-catcher, was quoted as saying: "it was just like the war," although he declined to say which one.
Thousands of power lines have been downed and the entire region has been blacked out to conserve energy as the crisis deepens. Prime Minister Blair rushed to the scene of the disaster and then raced home again to get his pants. He returned in time to find, half-baked British comedian, Sacha Baron Cohen, pretending to be an aid worker from Kazakhstan called, Borat.
The Queen has sent a message of sympathy, some tea bags, and a truck-load of horse manure from her Sandringham stables so that this-years' Kentish rose-growers' blooms will not suffer from the catastrophe that has seriously weakened the root systems of several rose bushes in what has been Britain's driest county for the last 300 years.
The news was broken to an ashen faced President Bush as soon as he woke this morning at Camp David. The president immediately issued a message of sympathy to the Governor of Ohio. He later sent another to Queen Elizabeth. He then met with the Japanese Prime Minister Abe, and asked him why he'd shaved off his beard and stopped wearing the tall hats.
The International Red Cross and Oxfam have launched a joint appeal for aid. Cash money and checks are welcome but the aid committee are asking for emergency aid for the dozen of the most seriously affected: the chav community. Particularly in demand are the items in the list, below.
All donation may be sent to the Oxfam Collection and Distribution Centre, PO Box 42, Didcot, Oxon.
Urgently Needed Items
200,000 Goodfella's Deep Pan Pepperoni Pizza's (Large: Frozen)
As much WKD as can be shipped before Thresher's opens.
42" Plasma TVs (Must be Hi-definition enabled - we don't want no rubbish!)
iPods - top o' the range (remember these people are not used to making do with second best)
Due to the power outages tens of thousands of chavs will be unable to reach a mall this weekend. Your donations of clothing will allieviate the most severe symptoms of post-kaching-deprivation-stress syndrome. Remember: brand new stuff only (please leave the receipt in bag in case a recipient wishes to return your gift to the store for refund after weaing it once. Acceptable brands include:
Anything that looks like Burberry
Jimmy Choos (poor chavs can't normally afford daisies like that, so this offertoonity is 'eaven sent.
Talking of scent, a few gallons of some trendy "pulling water" wouldn't go amiss. How about some o' that stuff wot Bwitney's been flogging?
Lastly and most importantly several house has been rendered uninhabitable after the tragedy. Although the damage is mostly smoke-staining caused by householders rushing out into the streets to cry "gaw blimey, guvnor, luv a duck, would you Adam an' Eve it!" and forgetting that (a) they are not proper Cockneys, cos their grandparents left the East End after it was demolished to make room for World War Two and (b) that they had left bread in the toaster. Please, please, please, help these homelss people with your gift of a 14 night hotel break (not Spain, please, these people have been there and got the tee shirts (even if those tee-shirts are now on the backs of African refugees courtesy of Oxfam) ... no ... the Maldives or Phi Phi looks good this year.Please be generous. Remember that nowhere is safe from earthquakes and this latest seismological terror has hit close to the British Capital. That even Edna Rockett, 42, of 134 Nelson Mandela Tower, Pomeroy Street, New Cross, commented that if the earthquake had waited to strike during the olympics it would spell disaster.
BLACK COUNTRY BUGLE
Residents of Black Country town, Dudley, are scoffing it has been revealed. Mostly they are scoffing a hearty breakfast of faggots and peas, but they are also annoyed that the Kent disaster is getting more press than what they call "the Big One" that struck parts of Lower Gornal and Pensnett in 2002. Local celebrity, Ms Mirelly, 53, said: "during that one, I was woken up at 3am and my bed was shaking. The shaking went on for at least 10 seconds. The dudley quake was at least 4.8 on the Richter scale and the devestation in Kent just shows that all Southerners are pooftahs and cowboy-builders. We only had a few cracked chimneys. Our homes are built to last, up here in the frozen ... er midlands."
After speaking to the press, Ms Mirelly shuffled back indoors to make a nice cup of tea.