View Full Version : jokes
I just thought of a new topic! How about one where people post jokes that they know so that way people can share jokes, and respond to ones sayin if they think its a good one or not. Or other stuff to do with jokes? eh? how about it?
Here is a joke to start it off:
politics describes the process so well, poli meaning many, and tics meaning blood sucking creatures.:)
timz2rules
10-08-2002, 07:33 PM
how do you know when a elephant has been in the fridge?
A.) his foot prints are in the butter
:p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p
lewdini
10-08-2002, 08:16 PM
I dont get it...sorry :(
timz2rules
10-08-2002, 08:17 PM
butter...peanutbutter... :p
peanut butter in the fridge?
well here is another joke.... (hope i dont offend anyone)
a bus full of polititions was riding in a bus on a country road, then the bus wrecked in the ditch. A nearby farmer saw the wreck and went over and buired the polititions. a few days later the sherif came by and asked the farmer if he made sure they were dead when he burried them, the farmer replied "well, some of them said the weren't dead, but you know how they lie".
:) :) :)
timz2rules
10-08-2002, 08:35 PM
lol def, i'll crack out my joke book later :p
yay! i'll keep tryin to think up more that i already know... mostly blonde and politics tho...
lewdini
10-08-2002, 08:57 PM
Thats quite funny defantum!!
timz2rules
10-08-2002, 09:39 PM
their good def! :D
timz2rules
10-08-2002, 09:41 PM
i think i have a blonde joke...
a blonde and a brunnette go shopping, they come out to discover they locked their keys in the car, the blonde told the brunnette as she was trying to jimmy the lock "hurry up, i need to put the hood up, it looks like its going to rain!"
LOL! that ones good..
here is another blonde joke.....
a blonde and a brunnette were walkin down the street when the brunnette said look a dead bird!" The blonde looked up and said "Where?"
Edited from "...blonde up and said...."
timz2rules
10-08-2002, 09:59 PM
do you mean, looked up and said...? hehe either way its funny
err, ya i ment that.... *quickly edits it.*
ManagerJosh
10-08-2002, 10:16 PM
What do you call a ship that lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
Answer: A Nervous Wreck :)
lewdini
10-09-2002, 12:30 AM
I read this somewhere...please dont be offended...
The Polish just launched a new navy...their ships all have glass bottoms...to see the old navy
ManagerJosh
10-09-2002, 01:33 PM
that sounds intresting......I wonder what would happen if i placed a hydrospeaker in the water and screamed.........
Helén
10-09-2002, 03:33 PM
LOL!!! And as you are into blonde stories (I happen to be blonde) :p:p:p
I have some real juicy stories about men!!! wanna hear???
:p:classic::p:D:
*hops away giggling*
(i'm not offended guys.. some girls are just that dumb)
sure! lets here them! i love jokes, as long as people aren't serious about them. i'll post another one when i get back on....
ManagerJosh
10-09-2002, 09:42 PM
hmm...I think I'll start a new thread call "comeback" :D
Helén
10-10-2002, 04:47 PM
I've found it!... hehehe
i gots a new joke!
You know whats strange about nursing homes?
A: They commit people becuase they cant remember their address... yet can keep track of twelve bingo cards at a time.
timz2rules
10-12-2002, 08:29 PM
hehe, these are great jokes...*goes and get his joke book*
with-drawl.........how southerners are born..
anit-ques..........a group dedicated to the abolition of the letter 'Q'
timz2rules
10-12-2002, 08:50 PM
heh...ahh! i can't find my book!
kellie marie
10-12-2002, 08:50 PM
IM HERE! moohahaha i did i did it *bounces excitedly* am i supposed to post a joke? oh.....:bunny:
timz2rules
10-12-2002, 08:53 PM
*creates a new thread for this and resumes the jokes*
Helén
10-13-2002, 08:47 AM
Well don't be offended boys:
"What's the different between a grown man and a 5-year -old other than physical age?"
answer: None, they never grow up!
timz2rules
10-13-2002, 08:50 AM
heh nina...
Helén
10-13-2002, 08:56 AM
Muahahahahaha.... I have more...
Sowwy guys.. but i like those blondestories too.. hehehe.. I'mnot offended . yet
(Hard to be blonde these days)
Love you guys
timz2rules
10-13-2002, 09:07 AM
i heard blondes should be on the endagered speices list...
timz2rules
10-13-2002, 09:07 AM
i heard blondes should be on the endangered speices list...
lewdini
10-14-2002, 01:34 AM
They say women spend money on something they never use..and men spend more money on something they want
timz2rules
10-14-2002, 07:46 PM
and they say its usually something they don't need :p
Helén
10-15-2002, 09:47 AM
Blaahhhh.... Not true guys not true...
So why does guys always put a luxuary very expensive stereo in junk cars??? Because they think tha cars run better on good music.... hehehehe.... :D:p
timz2rules
10-15-2002, 02:39 PM
sorry for posting twice, btw
two things....
One: whats the sticky before the name of this mean? :confused:
Two: i thought that not only could we post funny jokes but also funny sayings and stories....
I'll start off the funny sayins....
If ignorance is bliss... why are more people happy? :confused:
Ever notice how a dog gets mad at you when you blow in its face, yet sticks its head out of the window of a moving car?
ManagerJosh
10-15-2002, 07:31 PM
means someone stuck this :o
ManagerJosh
10-15-2002, 07:42 PM
yes makes sure it stays at the top...
here is a funny (i hope) joke/story...
Mother 1: My son is a lawyer.
Mother 2: SO... my son is a docter.
Mother 3: HA! without my son, both of your sons would be scratching for a living!
Mother 1 and 2: What is He?
Mother 3: Accident-prone.
"love at first site" -- Romance on the internet..
(psst! tell me if my jokes are bad! please! i beg of you!....)
lewdini
10-15-2002, 11:09 PM
Tells Jake his jokes are good! Lol!!!
Helén
10-16-2002, 01:22 AM
Lol Jake!!! :D:D:D
Psst... Jake.. i have somethin to tell you... Your jokes are good ;)
*goes off insearch of more jokes*
Helén
10-16-2002, 04:09 PM
Lol Jake :D:D
*sighs* sorry folks! i cant think of all of the joke i was goin to say...
here are some others tho...
Definiton of an Upgrage: take old bugs out, but new ones in.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Helén
10-19-2002, 08:45 AM
LOL!!!!
I know the keyboard one is from Win-98.. still it's so funny.
My difficultie is I have to translate everything.. Anyway:
The man to the policeofficer:
"I realized something wasn't right in our garden when I hit the tree we haven't planted yet"
lol! *goes in search of jokes after giving nina a hug*
ManagerJosh
10-19-2002, 05:37 PM
Originally posted by defantum
Definiton of an Upgrade: take old bugs out, but new ones in.
That is sooooo true Jake :)
Helén
10-19-2002, 06:59 PM
*hugs Jake back* Yeah you're right.. *wonders what "cute" little bugs will show up on her new computer.*
ManagerJosh
10-19-2002, 10:14 PM
Hehehe Nina.
Helén
10-20-2002, 04:42 PM
*shrugs* You never know, do you? :classic:
well, with microsoft you KNOW that there will be something wrong. speaking of miscrosoft, here a few oximorons...
Goverment intelegince
Microsoft Works
IRS refund... (tho not always an oximoron)
(arg! now that i have the chance i cant think of them!)
(and just for kicks)
Jake the Smart one..... ;)
ManagerJosh
10-20-2002, 09:57 PM
How about IRS Audit :p
Helén
10-22-2002, 11:29 AM
This is not that kind of joke, but a cute, funny story:
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the preacher, Mother child said to her mother.
Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to
talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
;););)
LOL! and btw, funny stories are good... ANYTHING funny is welcome by me!
Helén
10-22-2002, 05:37 PM
Good - I'll search for more.. :classic:
Bryan
10-22-2002, 05:58 PM
hmm
ManagerJosh
10-22-2002, 08:57 PM
stop hmmming dude.....it makes you look like you are singing
Helén
10-22-2002, 09:06 PM
Hmmm.. Maybe he is?
Humms: "Oh what a beutiful mooorning.. Oh what a beutiful daaayy"
ManagerJosh
10-22-2002, 09:10 PM
well dude just says hmmm and click posts........
Something with more value dude? :D
Helén
10-23-2002, 10:00 AM
Heh... He might have forgot the words Josh. ;););) Well here's another cute little thing:
- On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read:
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
ManagerJosh
10-23-2002, 11:19 AM
LOL nina :D
lol nina.
josh, maybe he IS singing, or humming. :D
as soon as a dad and his son walk into the dad's bosses office, the son says "Daddy, his nose isn't brown"
Q: whats the difference between a good invention and a great invention?
A: a good invention stands the test of time. a great invention has to be replaced every six months.
----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Q: whats the difference between a puse snatcher and a CEO?
A: a CEO doesn't have the sense to run
ManagerJosh
10-23-2002, 04:06 PM
Originally posted by defantum
Q: whats the difference between a puse snatcher and a CEO?
A: a CEO doesn't have the sense to run
Not in Martha Stewarts Case :D
Helén
10-24-2002, 01:55 AM
What's a CEO???
FaeLuna
10-25-2002, 09:46 AM
I just saw this in a movie, it was funny, I guess this would be where to put it...
A kid sees a man walking around with a gun, and he asks, "Hey, mister, are you a criminal or something"
The man says "No! No! uh... I'm, a Special KIND of Criminal..."
The kid says "Oh, I get it! Like a Lawyer or something?"
I thought the whole exchange was VERY funny!! :p
Helén
10-25-2002, 09:48 AM
LOL!! :laugh::laugh:
FaeLuna
10-25-2002, 09:48 AM
A CEO is Corporate Executive Officer, I think, they are the heads of big business Corporations, the bosses. :D
Helén
10-25-2002, 09:49 AM
Ahhh.. Thanks Fae. :classic::classic: Hehe now it makes sense.;)
FaeLuna
10-25-2002, 09:55 AM
hey, hey, I just thought of something about Dude's humming... maybe it's a bug.....
A Hmm-bug!!!!! Get it??!!! hahahahaaaa..... ok
Helén
10-25-2002, 10:04 AM
LOL!!!! Ohhh Fae.... :laugh::laugh::laugh:
*hops away giggling like crazy*
lol Fae.
this is weird.... i cant think of somethin funny right now...... i'll check my email for comics and look there...
Helén
10-26-2002, 11:13 AM
Well all I can think of roght now is this "oldie";
Two tomatoes was on their way to the market one day, when one got run over by a car.
The other tomato looked a long time at it's friend. Finally it said:
" Let's go ketchup, we're late"
FaeLuna
10-26-2002, 11:16 AM
hahahahaha that's a great tomato joke Nina!! I ALWAYS love jokes with puns!!! That reminds me of an old card my grandma had, it had two melons on the front and said "Honeydew, I love you, but we Cantalope!" heeheeheehee....
Helén
10-26-2002, 01:16 PM
Lol Fae!! That's a good one too!! :laugh::laugh:
lol! both are good! ARG!!! i still cant think of a joke!
*storms away in anger*
Helén
10-26-2002, 03:23 PM
Oooppss!!! Jake??? *stops Jake and gives him a hug*
Easy.. ;) You'll find them.. ;)
FaeLuna
10-26-2002, 04:20 PM
ummm ooh here's a joke I just made up because of the storming away... uuuhhh let's see... I'm making this up as I go
One storm crashes into another while they're up in the sky... the other storm bursts out with a lightning flash because it's startled, and then the one storm says to the other storm, "Hey, thanks for LIGHTENING my load!!" get it??? lightning/lightening.... heeheeheeheee.... errrrr... it's not my fault, I just made it up!!!
sugar_junkie
10-27-2002, 03:32 AM
lol fae ;) i cant think of a joke :(
*sighs* will i ever think of another joke?
Helén
10-27-2002, 11:42 AM
LOL Fae!!! :laugh::laugh:
sugar_junkie
10-30-2002, 02:59 AM
i'v totally run out of jokez... :(
*sighs* *sniffs* no one can think of jokes! :(( i'll think of some eventually, i just have been preoccupied. Dont give up hope! you'll think of jokes!
sugar_junkie
10-30-2002, 09:03 PM
i really hope so.... :(
FaeLuna
10-31-2002, 10:12 AM
ooh ooh this one just hit me... What did one wall say to the other wall? "Don't move, I've got you cornered!" heeheeheehee..... I'm not sure if I heard that one before or made it up..... heh.
sugar_junkie
10-31-2002, 11:50 PM
lol fae ;) itz a good one though ;)
Helén
11-02-2002, 11:30 AM
Lol Fae. Just hope you didn't got a headache when that "wallstory" hit you. :) :laugh:
FaeLuna
11-02-2002, 03:46 PM
Nope, I got a headache MUCH later, not wall related. :p Anyone else come up with some good jokes? Or bad ones?? :bunny: http://pages.ivillage.com/faeluna//SkywiseAniWavLil.gif
sugar_junkie
11-02-2002, 08:57 PM
hmm...bad onez i'm good at,good onez,i'm not good at ;) lol
*openz up her head ta look for sum jokez*
sorry,itz under renovatio at the moment ;)
Helén
11-03-2002, 12:43 PM
Lol Tess!! :laugh:
Helén
11-09-2002, 07:27 AM
Here's one:
*The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions*
A true excuse once for not being responsible and has shown up in insuranceissues.
FaeLuna
11-09-2002, 02:12 PM
oh, I like the ones where the tree JUMPED out in front of the driver, and that's why they hit it!! heehee! :p
Helén
11-09-2002, 02:40 PM
LOL!! Yes.. Hehehe. There's a lot of them in Swedish too - out of policerecords.. LOL!! Unfortunately some are no good to translate as the fun meaning gets lost. But here's one:
"When the trashcan hit my car without notification I went straight into the house to tell my wife she wasn't suppose to move the trashcan. I then discovered our whole house had moved into the neighbours....... But that wasn't my doing"
FaeLuna
11-09-2002, 03:12 PM
hahahaha poor guy had the wrong house!!! :p
Helén
11-15-2002, 10:49 AM
"But officer. It's not MY tree. *hic* I don't know it moved into my driveway.."
sugar_junkie
11-16-2002, 04:32 AM
lol!!
Helén
12-09-2002, 03:20 AM
Funny awaymessages for your Instant messenger:
"Hello. Is your fridge running? Well mine is and I'm around the house trying to catch it. So I'll be back later."
PhilipTarbuck
12-09-2002, 04:52 AM
How many karate enthusiasts did it take to make the light work? Many hands make light work.
FaeLuna
12-09-2002, 12:39 PM
hahahahahaaaa Philip!! That's SOOO funny!!!! I hadn't heard that one before!! :laugh:
lewdini
12-09-2002, 02:46 PM
Lol!!!Haha!!!
Helén
12-12-2002, 07:14 AM
The answering machine:
"Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message. "
:laugh::p:
FaeLuna
12-12-2002, 11:36 AM
uh oh!! I'm SCARED of that detective agency!! :p ;) :whitekitty:
Helén
12-12-2002, 06:40 PM
I am on a quest to the deepest darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for a may not return alive.
:laugh::laugh::p
ManagerJosh
12-12-2002, 08:01 PM
Q: What is the poorest kind of plant?
A: A vine, because it can't support itself.
Helén
12-13-2002, 12:42 AM
Lol Josh. :laugh:
Did you know?
"In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. "
FaeLuna
12-13-2002, 01:00 AM
I heard that before!! I thought it was really funny we have that as an expression!! I wonder where we EVER got that idea!! :p
Helén
12-13-2002, 07:34 AM
:laugh: Yes that's a real good question. :laugh:
To friends (or lovers):
"If you're going my way, I'll walk with you."
SolidSnake_19
01-06-2003, 06:34 PM
Here's another blonde joke :D
One day this blonde walked into a store and said
"I`d like to buy that TV."
The salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to
the store and said "I`d like to buy that TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The man replied again.
She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store
and said "I`d like to buy that TV."
Again the man said "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde finally asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"
The man said "Because that`s not a TV its a microwave."
-SS19 :smoke:
alapokeygirl
01-07-2003, 12:50 PM
LOL, Solid, I liked that one.
SolidSnake_19
01-08-2003, 02:20 PM
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun
game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she
declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This
catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The
lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no
answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and
hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back
to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to
sleep.
-SS19 :devious:
FaeLuna
01-08-2003, 02:52 PM
heeheeheee... those are good ones SolidSnake :p
alapokeygirl
01-08-2003, 02:58 PM
ROFLMBO That is a good one!!!! :laugh: :laugh:
Originally posted by Nina_Kanina
Funny awaymessages for your Instant messenger:
"Hello. Is your fridge running? Well mine is and I'm around the house trying to catch it. So I'll be back later."
Hehe i know a classic AIM away messg.
"I fell outta my chair, this'll take a while."
alapokeygirl
01-13-2003, 12:22 PM
There was this little old lady who loved to sit on her porch and sing hymns all day, which totally annoyed the man next door. Well, one day she started praying out loud, "Lord, I am out of food and I have no way to get any, please help me". Well, this went on for a couple of days and the man next door couldn't take it any longer. So he went to the market and got her some groceries. He gave her the groceries and said, "I hope this will make you be quiet, and the Lord didn't get them, I did." The little old lady took the groceries and then prayed, "Lord thank you for the groceries, and you sent the devil to get them".
SolidSnake_19
01-13-2003, 12:43 PM
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh
officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the
officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."
:rolleyes:
Hehe, what do you call a brunett between two blondes, a translator. LOL sorry i like that joke.
(Snake your sig says guys should'nt say yay!, you are yet to meet I love my couch. heh)
SolidSnake_19
01-17-2003, 09:29 PM
Thought some of these were amusing.
"Blondes, having endured years of abuse, have finally responded.
Here's what they have to say about redheads and brunettes.
**RedHeads**
How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something
If you love a Redhead, set her free ... if she follows you
everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts
your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
The piranha. They only attack in schools.
How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.
**Burnettes**
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage."
;)
SolidSnake_19
01-24-2003, 07:13 PM
Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a
conversation.
First blonde says "How did you die?"
Second says "I froze to death".
First blonde says "Must have been awful."
Second blonde says "How did you die?"
First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was
being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed
to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to
the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic
and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a
heart attack and died."
Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd
both still be alive."
:bunny:
alapokeygirl
01-25-2003, 05:34 PM
LOL, I liked that one! :laugh:
Sarah, the church gossip:
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other peoples business.
Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup truck in front of Sarah's house..........
And left it there ALL Night!!
Billie
01-25-2003, 06:01 PM
LOL
I like that one!
alapokeygirl
01-25-2003, 06:03 PM
Guess where I got it Billie? I am soooo happy to see you here!!!!
*jumps and down with excitment* :laugh:
Billie
01-25-2003, 06:10 PM
A little old lady was mailing an old family bible to her brother across the country. The clerk asked " Is there anything breakable in here?" The lady answered "Only the 10 commandments!!!"
alapokeygirl
01-25-2003, 06:13 PM
LOL, that is a good one too! :laugh:
Billie
01-25-2003, 06:19 PM
Here's a Bumper snicker... Sticker I saw recently.....
I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off!
Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends!
Don't like my driving???
Quit watching me!!!
Try not to let your mind wander...
It's too smalll to be out by itself!
SolidSnake_19
01-25-2003, 07:04 PM
Lol, Alapokey, and Billie :laugh:
Helén
01-25-2003, 07:14 PM
Lol all of you. :laugh:
And hello Billie!! Seems you know Ala already. Really nice to have you here. :classic:
Billie
01-31-2003, 05:31 AM
Originally posted by Nina_Kanina
Lol all of you. :laugh:
And hello Billie!! Seems you know Ala already. Really nice to have you here. :classic:
:p Yes We go back around 10 yrs.
Actually, our friendship has lasted through a lot! Ask Ala about the time my oldest, came home from Kindergarten with 'Chicken Pox'. One of our best :eek: Horror stories!:D
ss8goku
02-23-2003, 04:38 PM
my frist post here got this from my cuzin like 5 years ago
ok these 3 guys go to a motel and ask for a room the person that works there says this place is honted and they say we dont care give us a room so they get one that night when there asleep the 1st guy hetres (i got you where i wont you and no im gonna eat you) so he wakes up looks around he dosent see anything so he gos back to bed the 2end guy here it to he dose the same thing and goz back to bed the 3erd guy dose the same thing but gets up and goz to the closet and opens it and sees a gorila in there whith a boger on his finger sayin (i got u where i wont u now im gonna eat you :D:D:D:D:D thats it i relly like that onethere one just like this but they here (when the log falls over we will die) and the 3erd guy goz in the bathroom and sees ants on a pice of poop sayin (when the log falls ovr we will die):P
alapokeygirl
02-23-2003, 04:43 PM
Cute Jerrad. :classic:
SolidSnake_19
02-23-2003, 09:38 PM
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and
quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were
watching!"
The moral is: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men ;)
:p
sugar_junkie
02-23-2003, 10:05 PM
LOL!!
Billie
02-27-2003, 08:18 PM
I like that one...:p
Helén
02-28-2003, 10:36 PM
Lol I loved that one.. :p
Helén
03-03-2003, 10:22 PM
Ooohh. I got some funny stories sent to me from Australia. They are true and would fit very nicely into that serie ADC (Americas Dumbest Criminals). Here's one:
BROOKVALE IDIOT
The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away.
SolidSnake_19
03-05-2003, 08:11 AM
LOL.
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a
redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought
so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
sugar_junkie
03-08-2003, 12:15 AM
LMAO!!!
Phoenix Ravenflame
03-08-2003, 01:31 AM
variation on an old "friendship" thought:
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just go away and leave me alone!
eminems, they melt in your mouth not your hand (makin fun of singers name)
Phoenix Ravenflame
03-08-2003, 02:23 AM
You know you're addicted to World Sims when...
you can't have that first cup of coffee until you check the site.
you start mentally putting conversations with family in the proper forum and thread.
you forget friends and family birthdays and anniversaries, but you know who's birthday it is on World Sims.
you finish a sentence verbally and picture Nina's cartoon bunny after it.
you can't decide whether to play Sims or the forum games.
you try to picture the other users and only come up with thir avatar where their head should be!
hataz_gon_hate
03-08-2003, 05:06 AM
a woman wakes up and realizes shes havin a bad hair day...so she went to work...then a co worker asked "Honey, whats wrong wit ur hair? Looks like youve got both mousse and squirrel in there!"....get it? moose and squirrel?
hataz_gon_hate
03-08-2003, 05:12 AM
3 men are lined up for a job interview...the 1st one was asked to come in by the boss and the boss asked "whats the first thing u notice when u look at me?" and the applicant said" uve got no ears..." so the boss rejected him and called the 2nd man and asked the same thing. the applicant responded"uve got no ears..." so the boss rejected him too....on his way out, he told the 3rd applicant to not say the boss got no ears....so the 3rd applicant was then called in and asked the same question. he said" ur wearing contact lenses." and the boss asked why he noticed that. the man said" u cant wear glasses, u got no ears!"
SolidSnake_19
03-08-2003, 09:53 AM
One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened
to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."
SolidSnake_19
03-08-2003, 09:55 AM
Horseback Riding
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day
when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until
the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all
her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could
not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When
this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head
continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even
slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing
consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and
unplugged it.
hataz_gon_hate
03-08-2003, 11:09 PM
thats funny....i got a question though....why is evryone gettin blonde jokes?
SolidSnake_19
03-09-2003, 02:08 PM
The reason I tell blonde jokes is because those are the ones I am always told by friends or relatives. So they're the only jokes I can really think of off hand (other than really crude jokes.) :)
Helén
03-12-2003, 09:47 AM
I found this on a swedish site. The headline is:
"Today's special: White beans?
http://www.skrattnet.com/roligabilder/bild_getgas.asp :D :p
SolidSnake_19
03-12-2003, 03:01 PM
After successfully passing the bar exam, Allan opened up his own
law office. One day he was sitting idly at his desk when his
secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him in!" Allan exclaimed. An idea popped into his head and
he quickly picked up the phone as his secretary was returning
with the man. Allan shouted into the phone, "...and you can tell
them that we won't accept less than sixty thousand, and don't
call me again until you agree to that amount!" He slammed down
the phone and stood up to greet his visitor. "Good morning, Mr.
Jones! What can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company," Mr. Jones replied. "I'm here to
connect your phone."
Helén
03-12-2003, 11:00 PM
Lol Solid. :laugh:
Helén
03-13-2003, 12:40 AM
Oh my. I just found this and it's really a good one. It has 2 headlines (in swedish).
The one I clicked said:
"The first scetches to a new World Trade Center"
And on the picture it says:
"The rebuilding drawings are finished."
http://www.skrattnet.com/roligabilder/nytt_wtc.asp
:p:laugh:
SolidSnake_19
03-13-2003, 06:28 AM
Lol. :laugh:
Lómien
03-13-2003, 09:38 AM
LOL!!!! :p
SolidSnake_19
04-07-2003, 01:28 AM
A woman gets pulled over by a Police Officer.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer 1: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer 1: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer 1: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer 1: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer 1: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer 1: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer 1: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding too.
PhilipTarbuck
04-07-2003, 09:45 AM
Two earwigs were climbing a door when one fell off. As he fell down he said "Ear-wi-go".
3 people die, they're in heaven at the gates waiting to get in. St. Peter is told he is only alolowed to let in 1/3 of all the people who die ever day.
He is told to let in the person who die the worst death.
He speaks to the first man and asks how he died.
"well i knew my wife was having an affair, i walked inside and i could smell aftershave, she was in the shower but no other man was in the house. I then walked outside to the balcony and saw someone hanging over the ledge crying for help. I took a hammer to his fingers but he safely landed in a bush. I then took our fridge and dropped it on him, he died. Then i felt so guilty i shot myself."
St.Peter was shocked, he then asked how the second man died.
"i was on my tredmill which was by the window and it went too fast, i then slipt and got thrown out the window. I managed to grab onto a balcony as i fell, but a maniac smashed m fingers with a hammer, i landed in a bush and thought i was safe, alas i was crushed with a fridge and found myself here."
St.Peter was shocked even more, he then turned to the third man. "how did you die?"
"well, imagine you're hiding, naked in a fridge....
SolidSnake_19
04-07-2003, 04:13 PM
Lol. I like that joke. :laugh: :D
SolidSnake_19
04-07-2003, 04:34 PM
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all escaped from the same prison. They were being chased by the prison guards as they made their way into the woods. "Quick!" The brunette said. "Climb up a tree!" They all climbed up a tree. The guards approached, with their guns drawn. A guard looked up into the tree where the brunette was. "Who's up there?!" He yelled. The brunette chirped like a bird. The guard says to the other, "Nothin'." The second gard looked up into the redhead's tree, and shouted, "Hey! Who's up there?!" The redhead made noises like a squirrel, and the guard said, "Huh. Nothin' here either." The first guard made his way to the blonde's tree, and said "Who's up there?" The blonde said, "Moooooo."
A blonde was driving through the country, when she came upon a large farm, where she saw lots of sheep. She pulled over, and walked up to the farmer. She said, "My, those sheep are so cute! If I guess how many you have, could I have one?" The farmer thought about this, and figured she probably wouldn't guess correctly, and said "Sure, why not?" The blonde thought for a second, and said "63." "Wow!" The farmer exclaimed. "That's right! I guess you can take one." The blonde thanked the farmer, and picked out a sheep she liked. As she was walking back toward her car, the farmer said "Hey! How about this? If I guess your real hair color, could I have my dog back?"
SolidSnake_19
04-07-2003, 04:37 PM
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head, The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it any more. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace. He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the Roulette table." He goes to the Roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on red 23." He puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, "Crap."
I bought my wife a car, it took her a week to learn how to drive, then another week to learn how to aim.
Nightwish_Angel
04-13-2003, 05:25 AM
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." Poof.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a *****.
hataz_gon_hate
04-14-2003, 03:02 AM
yea, thats funny...
SolidSnake_19
04-14-2003, 03:25 PM
:laugh:
PhilipTarbuck
04-15-2003, 02:30 AM
My dog looked at me as though I was mad and I looked back as though I wasn't.
I told my dog i was sending him to obediance school and he said no.
Kristi
04-22-2003, 02:53 PM
hehe i know how to make blonde jokes even funnier.. replace the word "blonde" with "kristi" and... lol yeah! :bunny:
why couldn't the kristi dial 911?
she couldn't find eleven! haaaahaaaaaaaaa
if thats already here, lo siento! *doesnt wanna search through all the posts* :confused:
SolidSnake_19
04-22-2003, 03:30 PM
Lol.
Why did Kristi climb the glass wall...
To see what was on the other side. :p
Bookworm42
04-24-2003, 09:30 AM
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and
his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they
entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned
for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped
their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the
ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the
preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any
indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both
remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,
covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in
their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want
to go."
PhilipTarbuck
04-24-2003, 09:53 AM
Dear bookworm. I am still a Solicitor, old as I am, although I do not practise anymore. I am not a thief (so far as I know) and I have never been one. What happened the the priest when he died.
Three people were waiting to go into heaven. Two of them said what a wonderful life they had led and how they were quite sure that Saint Peter would let them in immediately. He eventually came and let the third person, a blonde, I am told, in immediately. "Why" said one of the others "when I have done so much". "Because," said St Peter "she has just passed her test and had an accident on the first day. In those few hours driving she put the fear of God into more people than you have done in a lifetime."
I am quite sure that I do that to my wife when I drive.
PhilipTarbuck
04-24-2003, 09:55 AM
Don't worry - I didn't take your joke to heart.
suitemichelle
10-15-2004, 04:39 PM
The Dog and The Leopard
========================
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in
mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away
into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard, "That was close.
That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The
monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him.
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard,
and he's still not back!!"
suitemichelle
10-15-2004, 04:41 PM
Twas the Night Before Frances (in case you haven't read it yet)
'Twas the night before Frances
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late
All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there
The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land
And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter
The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm
With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick
More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!
In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!
As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by
So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable radio
And batteries too
And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!
As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound
A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot
A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack
The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show
With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath
So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town
The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice
Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down
FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York
And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Jeanne
I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile
You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"The hell with this place,
Vermont seems just right!"
(author unknown)
Helén
11-17-2004, 04:37 AM
i think i have a blonde joke...
a blonde and a brunnette go shopping, they come out to discover they locked their keys in the car, the blonde told the brunnette as she was trying to jimmy the lock "hurry up, i need to put the hood up, it looks like its going to rain!"Tim, Tim...... LOL Well. I have a bunch of jokes about men.... a perfect revenge for all bloonde stories. (Did you know I'm actually dark blonde?) So here's some of them:
"The couple Svensson was out in the car. The woman who didn't liked the way her husband was driving said: Look how you're driving your ...... The man yelled: Whos driving? you ror me? The women sighed: Don't you know even that?" :silly:
"Only a man can get the idea - and do it - of buying a $ 500 car and put in a $ 5000 stereo in it.....* :silly:
*Why don't men get into real middleage crisis?
- They're stuck in the teens...* :silly:
*How do you know a man is planning for the future?
- He buys 4 six-packs instead of 2....*
*What's the different between a man and a puppy?
- The puppy can be trained...*
There you go guys and gals.... ;) :D
Flameback777
11-17-2004, 02:35 PM
Tim, Tim...... LOL Well. I have a bunch of jokes about men.... a perfect revenge for all bloonde stories. (Did you know I'm actually dark blonde?) So here's some of them:
"The couple Svensson was out in the car. The woman who didn't liked the way her husband was driving said: Look how you're driving your ...... The man yelled: Whos driving? you ror me? The women sighed: Don't you know even that?" :silly:
"Only a man can get the idea - and do it - of buying a $ 500 car and put in a $ 5000 stereo in it.....* :silly:
*Why don't men get into real middleage crisis?
- They're stuck in the teens...* :silly:
*How do you know a man is planning for the future?
- He buys 4 six-packs instead of 2....*
*What's the different between a man and a puppy?
- The puppy can be trained...*
There you go guys and gals.... ;) :D
All I can say is...you're evil! :rolleyes: :p
Helén
11-23-2004, 07:55 AM
Lol Flame.... I have more - but they're not appropriate for a forum like this tho.... But veeeeeeeeeeery funny....
Oh. here's another lil thing I got from my physiotherapist once. It's sort of a "double"...
*A woman that "beats" her husband regularly - keeps herself fit and swift" :p
Sylla
12-06-2004, 05:43 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
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