LOL Michelle. I actually got some of those. Made me feel quite clever. I found this last night and I thought it was very clever as well as funny. It really needs to be seen 3 or 4 times because so much is happening you can't take it all in at once. Brilliant http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/50891749/
Red tarmac and black tarmac go swaggering into a pub, plonk themselves down at the bar, order some drinks and start boasting about how tough they are. "I can take on anyone in here!" announces the red tarmac. The black tarmac hoists himself up on the bar and bellows, "Bring it on! I'll take you all on at once!" Just as the bartender is about to tell them to knock it off, green tarmac comes through the doors, and red and black tarmac turn and run for the loo, where they cower until green tarmac has drunk up and left. Seeing them skulk back to the bar, the bar tender asks them what's up - surely green tarmac is no match for such tough guys as them? "Are you joking?" they reply, "Don't mess with him, he's a cycle-path!" -------------------------- Hehehe, and now for a really silly joke: Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. A. A carrot.
more attorney jokes... from an email: the dumbing down of the legal system. ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS : Oral. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS : Huh? _____________________________________ As for the last!!! ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS : No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. PS loved the Orange joke.
Mrs. Goodnest A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twig! s, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? " Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
I read that and went whaaaa? to my dog. She said whaaa back. Did I tell you guys I have magic animals?
I lost interest in Formula One racing when the fabulously excitable commentator, Murray Walker, retired. Here's why (although there's a lot more ) A battle is developing between them' I say developing, because it's not yet on. A sad ending, albeit a happy one. And Edson Arantes di Nascimento, commonly known to us as Pele, hands the award to Damon Hill, commonly known to us as Damon Hill. And Michael Schumacher is 37 seconds ahead, so he can refuel the car, change all four wheels, take off his helmet, have a smoke and a cup of tea, and rejoin in first. And Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He is in last place. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One Racing. And the track temperature has in fact risen in degrees! And there's no damage to the car - except to the car itself. Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does. Are they on a one-stopper? Are they on a two? And when I say they, who do I mean? Well, I don't know. It could be anybody. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium - and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world. Either the car is stationary, or it's on the move. Even in five years time, he will still be four years younger than Damon Hill. Fantastic! There are four different cars filling the first four places. Have you ever seen so many people at a Formula One Grand Prix before? The answer's no, because there haven't been as many! He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed. He is shedding buckets of adrenaline in that car. I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes. I don't know what happened, but there was a major malmisorganization problem there. I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong. I like to think I cover over as a slightly over-the-top enthusiast. It is a very exciting sport, after all. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable. I'm in my usual state up here in the commentary box: high tension, heart beating like a trip hammer, whatever that is. I've no idea what Eddie Irvine's orders are, but he's following them superlatively well. IF is a very long word in Formula One; in fact, IF is F1 spelled backwards. If the gloves weren't off before, and they were, they sure are now! In twelfth and thirteenth, the two Jaguars of Eddie Irvine. It looks as though this year there will be seventeen Grands Prix for the World Championship, compared with the traditional seventeen. Look up there! There's the sky! Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh no he isn't! It's a lap record. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so. Schumacher wouldn't have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it. That's history. I say history because it happened in the past. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical. The two McLaren drivers are so hot they look like two fried lobsters in silver suits. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher. There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well. This will be Williams - first win since the last time a Williams won. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite. With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go. You can cut the tension with a cricket stump. You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.
Oooooh Mirelly!! You were a Formula 1 fan too?? LOL! Thank you for those Murrayisms! I loved No. 6 especially, my all time favourite quote of his. I too have stopped following F1 as a sport - was an addict in the days of the delish Ayrton Senna. He was a Brazilian dreamboat. Very clever man and he just oozed charisma. His passion for racing and winning was awesome and his legendary spats with Alain Prost were hilarious. He could also hold a full blooded argument in almost any language you wish to choose from, and his charitable concerns were admirable. Sigh - I was devastated when he died. It was during my finals in my last Uni year (1st May 1994), and cried everyday for weeks. Such a terrible loss to the sport. I have a semi-shrine to him with newspaper/ magazine articles in a scrapbook following his death, and a framed photo and a rare book (in Portuguese) that I bought at the Autosport exhibition where they had a special exhibition dedicated to him. I sat on the McLaren car and had a pic taken, saw his personal belongings and trophies and omg I had better stop waffling. Back to Murray Walker - he was truly magnificent and a pleasure to listen to.
I couldn't pick a favourite, if I tried. Every time I try to read them I crack up. Sadly I really only got in to F1 during Murray's last couple of years at the Beeb (was living with a total petrol head at the time, which also explains my love for Jeremy Clarkson). I totally lots interest when ITV took over. (Even though it was kinda funny -- in a totally peverse way -- how something interesting only actually happened during the stupid commercial breaks ) But I agree about Senna. I know of another WS Senna fan ... wonder if she's still with us ... Jill? You there?
especially like the last one... Late for Work Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." "You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes." Physical Problems A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!" Brooklyn Lawyer A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?" "I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?" Subject: Hospital Phone A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ' s Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I ' ll be glad to help, dear. What 's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything."
I love the last one. It's so true. I remembered when, after my son and I waited for hours and hours (it really was most of a day) in a hospital cubicle, a nurse came in at last and said my son was scheduled for surgery. Uhhh...why? Because the tests show he has appendicitis. Well, yes, I had already guessed that was his problem, but I hadn't said so out loud, and no one had come to see us about the test results, nor to confirm or explain anything.
Yep I also agree about the last joke, as it's so true. I never let any doctor or nurse near me now unless they explain everything. When I was rushed in with numbness all down one side (from head to toe), no feeling at all when they stabbed me with pins in my arm, they kept me in for tests and never told me anything for 2 whole days. They just kept doing test after test and it was only when a nurse said casually, oh they think you've had a stroke, I was like omg. They did a CT scan after 2 days, sent me home with meds and had to wait 2 whole years for an MRI under anaesthesia (as I'm claustrophobic). Even then they still argued about whether it was a stroke or not, but finally they said it was hemiplegic migraine.
I think part of the training for nurses and doctors should a require two week stay as a patient in a hospital.
This isn't so much a joke as it is thought provoking: (Just read without thinking about it too much.) I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
