a joke for... This one is for snake... Q. What do snakes do after they fight? A. They hiss and make up
Okay, Bryan, here's one for you... Olympic Skier Picabo (pronounced peek-a-boo) Street is not only an athlete,*she's also a nurse. She works in the intensive care unit of a hospital.*She's no longer allowed to answer the phone because she was answering it as*"Picabo, ICU."
This one's for ManagerJosh: out of the mouths of babes... ... and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Hey, that one's sweet, and it WORKS! Sometimes it really DOES feel like everyone being mean to you is dumping their trash on you!!
For whoever needs a laugh... A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" >(you're gonna love this) (its a real treat) ( a masterpiece) (wait for it) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?)
For Fae A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie ! out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. SCROLL DOWN .. (You're gonna hate me for this... scroll down some more) A little bit more........... She sells C cells by the sea shore
what? No Groans? How about... WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN) > >To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" > >"Don't what?" Adam replied. > >"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. > >"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" > >"No Way!" > >"Yes way!" > >"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. > >"Why" > >"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. > >"Uh huh," Adam replied. > >"Then why did you?" said the Father. > >"I don't know," said Eve. > >"She started it!" Adam said > >"Did not!" > >"Did too!" > >"DID NOT!" > >Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. > > > > > > >BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? > > > >THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! >1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. > >2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. > >3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. > >4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. > >5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. > >6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. > > > >ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. > >AND FINALLY: >IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: >"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! > >
Hahahaha I just got here to catch up and I LOVE the C cells by the sea shore one!! I'm going to have to inflict that one on my hubby when he gets home!! I've heard the children/grandchildren one before and it's cute.
Suitemichelle's Sig: ?"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz) True but why would we not wait for America? ''Sorry world but we have to wait for America to catch up first.'' Anyway... we live for one extra day. *Parties* :winks: And I like that ''She sells C cells by the sea shore'' And you say: Why are you posting this? It would be nice if you told me that.
I'll probably get flack on this one.... I realize that you might not get this one, Flameback because it's not far enough south. AND to anyone who might take offense, please forgive me in advance... Please THE SOUTH The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses The North has dating services, The South has family reunions. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads. FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH ********** *In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.....do not buy food at this store. Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.
Hahaha as someone whose mother was from Texas and father was from Iowa and we MOVED here when I was a teenager... I can LAUGH at how TRUE this joke is!!!!
