a joke for...

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by suitemichelle, Mar 17, 2004.

  1. Odinmoon

    Odinmoon Creator of organised mess

    Organic Vegetables

    The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.

    She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy.

    I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were."

    "He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"

    "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
  2. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    from organic vegetables to elections... it's about the same

    Flying to a convention, Barrack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy!

    Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

    McCain added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there.......I could throw all three of
    them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy.'
  3. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    Top 8 morons of 2008

    [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

    AT&T fired President John Walter a fter nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package... Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


    Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'


    A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'


    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!


    Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
    Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
  4. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    think I'm on a roll...

    Tech support letter
    Subject: Tech support letter

    For all you long married, newly married or planning to be married

    Dear Technical Support,

    18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

    However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

    Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

    I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

    Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

    I eventually upgraded to Fiance 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

    Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

    Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

    These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

    Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

    Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

    Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

    Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

    Help requested please!


    And the flip side...

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate

    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
    1.0 is an Operating System.

    Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

    WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

    CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck,

    Tech Support



  5. swmeek

    swmeek I got your benevolent dictator pal!!

    > Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and
    Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
    > One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:
    > As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
    "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
    > From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole
    turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say:
    'Bridge Out'
  6. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    loved the 2 pastors joke. and the blonde one was funny too!

    So sorry, thought the blonde joke was posted here already... but it's from my Father-in-law:

    Subject: Fwd: FW: Bob And The Blonde

    A handsome dude named Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

    Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

    Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

    Bob took the money....

  7. swmeek

    swmeek I got your benevolent dictator pal!!

    lol :rotfl: Okay here's another one!

    John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
    His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
    One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
    It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
    It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
    'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
    'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
    The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
    'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
    where you went after school.'
    'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
    'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
    ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
    With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
    We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
    'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
    The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
    Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
    The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
  8. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    Recently, during one of his trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said:

    "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

    The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

    The president said: "Moses!" in a loud voice.

    The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him:

    "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

    The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

    "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled: "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

    The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered:
    "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

    The man leaned over and whispered back:

    "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."
  9. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    not a joke but humorous

    Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

    A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....

    The race began....

    Honestly: No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.

    We heard statements such as:

    'Oh, WAY too difficult!!'

    'They will NEVER make it to the top.'


    'Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!'

    The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....

    Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher..

    The crowd continued to yell, 'It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!'

    More tiny frogs got tired and gave up....

    But ONE continued higher and higher and higher....

    This one wouldn't give up!

    At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!

    THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?

    A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal?

    It turned out .... that the winner was DEAF!!!!

    The wisdom of this story is: Never listen to other people's tendencies to be negative or pessimistic.... because they take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you -- the ones you have in your heart!

    Always think of the power words have. (There's life and death in the power of the tongue - Proverbs 18:21.)
    Because everything you hear and read will affect your actions!

    Therefore:ALWAYS be .... POSITIVE!

    And above all: Be DEAF when people tell YOU that you cannot fulfill your dreams!

    Always think: Hey, I can do this!

    Pass this message on to 5 'tiny frogs' you care about.

    Give them some motivation!!!
  10. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you!

    TOP JOKE IN WALES. A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied 'I don't know, it all happened so fast.'

    TOP JOKE IN ENGLAND. Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!' The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.'

    TOP JOKE IN SCOTLAND. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

    TOP JOKE IN NORTHERN IRELAND. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
    'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
    The doctor replies: 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
    'That's terrible,' said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'.
    The doctor replies: 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.'

    TOP JOKE IN UK. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

    TOP JOKE IN USA. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.' The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married 35 years.'

    TOP JOKE IN CANADA. When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, scientists spent a decade and 12 billion dollars to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

    TOP JOKE IN AUSTRALIA. This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: 'Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?'
    The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: 'Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....'

    TOP JOKE IN BELGIUM. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.

    TOP JOKE IN GERMANY. A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: 'That's not it' and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: 'That's it.'
  11. swmeek

    swmeek I got your benevolent dictator pal!!

    LOL those are funny! :rotfl:
  12. sanjaysahu

    sanjaysahu New Member

  13. ManagerJosh

    ManagerJosh Benevolent Dictator Staff Member

    We need more laughs!!!! :D
  14. swmeek

    swmeek I got your benevolent dictator pal!!

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
    like that boss?
  15. ManagerJosh

    ManagerJosh Benevolent Dictator Staff Member

    BOOOOO!!! :p :p :p :ducks:
  16. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    Not a joke, but it blows my mind...

    THE YEAR 1908

    This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
    The year is 1908, one hundred years ago.
    What a difference a century makes!
    Here are some statistics for the Year 1908:

    1. [*]The average life expectancy was 47 years.
      [*]Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
      [*]Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
      [*]There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
      [*]The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
      [*]The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
      [*]The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
      [*]The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
      [*]A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
      [*]More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME
      [*]Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
      [*]Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard.'
      [*]Sugar cost four cents a pound.
      [*]Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
      [*]Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
      [*]Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
      [*]Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
      [*]Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
      [*]entering into their country for any reason.
      [*]Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea Heart disease 5. Stroke
      [*]The American flag had 45 stars.
      [*]The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
      [*]Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
      [*]There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
      [*]Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
      [*]Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
      [*]Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' (Shocking?)
      [*]Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
      [*]There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

    Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A. and possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
    Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

  17. ManagerJosh

    ManagerJosh Benevolent Dictator Staff Member

    Sugar cost four cents a pound.
    Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

    I wouldn't mind that price for eggs and sugar :D
  18. swmeek

    swmeek I got your benevolent dictator pal!!

    A hundred years from now there won't be any eggs as it will be decided by the PETA nuts that it's harmful to the chicken to lay them.
    Sugar will be like gold too !
  19. Viper

    Viper New Member

    Cool! :D:D:D
  20. suitemichelle

    suitemichelle Gramma's here!

    Sorry I haven't posted lately. gotten hooked on tribal wars and the west. plus my main source of internet humor has been more pix than stories.

    .ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P{padding:0px;}.ExternalClass body.EC_hmmessage{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}
    Monday groaner:

    A man walks into a doctor's office.
    He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
    "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
    The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


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