How Do You Romance A Husband?? Well, I haven't been around much, lately, you might have noticed. Been having a little problem with Hubby that cut into my computer time. I'll spare you the gory details, but lets just say he was feeling a little neglected and unappreciated and has decided that I am just a "Miserable Person" and that he's going to "Stop Trying To Make Me Happy", because he feels it's impossible. Yes, he's being a selfish louse, but then again, I have been a miserable person lately. And I do love him, and I don't show it very often. I do the same thing that many long-married women do: I sit back and wait for him to romance me, and think that it's his responsibility to keep the home-fires burning. So, I've been sending him Text messages and took him lunch at work the other night. Then, last Friday I took the afternoon off work, made arrangements with my sitter to keep my little ones overnight, bought a pretty new skirt, blouse, and boots, bought a long brown wig, told hubby I was going to the grocery store, went to the Sister-in-law's house to change, sent him a text message to meet me at a resturaunt, and then showed up, introduced myself in my middle and maiden name, and then pretended it was a blind date. He liked the part about the surprise date without the kids, but he hated the wig. And he wouldn't stay out all night, like I had planned, because he didn't want to leave our 15 year old teenager home alone. He took me to a movie (It was horrible! Do not see "Prime"!) and then we went home and cuddled in front of the fireplace, and talked about our relationship. Oh, the teenager was home, BTW, so with the rest of the house silent, we could still hear light-sabres and blaster-fire from "Knights Of The Old Republic". Not as romantic as I'd hoped, but still, at least I wasn't having to hear, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" from the little two at the same time. Hubby's pretty happy about the whole thing. He came home this morning telling me how envious all his friends at work are. Sis-In-Law wants to borrow the wig and wants me to babysit their baby so she can do it for Bro-In-Law. So, I've run out of ideas. Should I keep doing romantic things for him? I'm afraid he's going to start to feel smothered. Or, should I sit back and wait on him to reciprocate some of the romance?
One thought that came to mind...leave lil notes of appreciation all around the house On the car...the door, the mirror he brushes his teeth on...even inside the lunch he takes to work
That reminds me of what I do--my dad is so forgetful that when anyone in the family tells him to do something, like take out the air conditioners (we have the kind that you put into the windows) or mow the lawn, we leave post-it notes all over the house--on the bathroom door (that's a major hotspot for him, he probably spends half the day in there. ), the refrigerator door, inside his lunch bag when he hasta spend the day at our Rita's Italian Ice store in the summertime....yeah.
How about setting aside one night a week just to spend time together. I know that with small children it's difficult but maybe your teenager can help out. I have no children at home which makes it easier but we still have one night, Fridays after work, when we pay attention to each other, go out for supper (even if it's a hamburger at the local pub) and/or rent a movie or watch TV shows together, and just talk, doesn't matter about what. Anyway, it's always Fridays and we always do stuff together no matter what. It's a date we never break, and I really look forward to it. I know he does, too.
We took a quiz last night from marriagebuilders.com on our emotional needs. We had to rank them as being the most important to the least important. The author says that most of the time, men and women have the same emotional needs, but their order of importance is skewed. A woman's will be more about affection, conversation, financial support, etc. For a man, it's more about physical intimacy, recreational activities (doing things together as a couple), family and domestic support, etc. What was very interesting is that Hubby and I actually scored very closely in what our emotional needs are. My top five were Affection, Conversation, openness, admiration, and recreation. His were Conversation, Affection, family support, physical intimacy, and openness. He was afraid that I would be mad at some of his more negative comments, but I wasn't. But I think he was mad about mine. He said that there weren't any surprises, though. I feel better, like we're communicating. He told me that he had told anyone that would listen at work about Friday night. So it made a bigger impression than I thought. Post-its are good, Josh. Do you know that when you buy a kid's lunch box from Lands End they include a small package of post-its and a pocket to put them in? My kids in school both got new Lands End lunch boxes for school, and I have the post-its in a drawer, so I can do that.
I am guilty of sneaking off to play the sims, but I always make sure it's OK with my husband first if he's home and awake. By "OK" I mean, if he wants to talk or if there's housework he's noticed needs doing (we share those responsibilities equally BTW), then he, or it, comes first. If the kid is gone it's a given we'll spend time together. And if the kid needs me I save the game, shut down the computer and spend time with her. The sims is very addictive, and can get in the way of things if you let it. Some days I let it, but mostly I've got to discipline myself to avoid having problems. I can easily see how they can develop. I've been kind of marathoning this week and that probably won't last. I guess I'm lucky, though, in that he goes to bed much earlier than I do, so I get my alone time then. He also understands that this is important to me, geeky as it is, and he respects that. My rule is, if I've written something in my novel that day then I'm free to sim until my eyes pop out. Which they feel like they're going to do right now. I've been playing a lot today. Got the Nova kids into private school and played Apollo Du Maurier to child stage. And Ashley Pitts, college dropout biker nanny, finally had a date. These are important things, you know.
I know what you mean by this. The boyfriend has been laid off from his job, and therefor is now home in the evenings, where as before he worked till 10pm. Now I get home at 5:30 and he's there. Because of that I haven't been able to play the sims at all since that happened...last wednesday. Not that I'm complaining because I love getting to spend all that time with him, and he is having a tough time with it. It's harsh especially because we're supporting on just my salary right now until he can find a new job...which he is applying like crazy everywhere. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible right now. Just making dinner for him every night seems to bring up his mood.
Romance, whats that? I dont think weve ever been romantic, even while dating. Weve only been married two years and we have no children. I consider ourselves lucky that we dont have children as we can just get up and go out all night, long weekends, all week long, whatever our hearts desire. We both own motorcycles and as long as its warm (over 50 degrees according to the hubby) theres always someplace to be or go. Though, now that its getting colder and we are cooped up at home, I spend quite a bit of time in front of the computer with my Sims. He isnt always happy about that. I look at it this way, I work 40 hours just as he does. However, when I come home I get supper ready and do the clean up, make sure the house is tidy, and spend at least an hour with him in front of the television. By that time, its ME time. He helps occasionally with laundry on weekends, and he takes care of all the outside stuff (cars, shoveling snow, etc.). Im interested in that quiz on marriagebuilders.com. Hubby and are going to have to look into that. I think at times we are complete opposites, they attract, right? Hes a social butterfly, I could be a recluse living with nothing other than my computer and Sims!
Marriage is all about balance, I've found. Opposites just have to work a little harder at it. But no match is perfect, no matter what the fairy tales tell you, and any marriage can work if both parties are committed to it, communicate honestly, and practice mutual respect. OK, maybe not ANY marriage, but I really think "true love" is overrated. Marriage (or any relationship) is what you put into it. And what you receive in turn. Sims is addictive, and can get in the way of that. Once again, it's about balance. Does he like to go out with the boys, watch sports, redecorate the house? Having separate interests, to some extent, and respecting each other's need for those interests ... without having to tolerate "overboard" behavior ... is healthy. Sorry. Didn't mean to preach. Just calling 'em like I see 'em. I've been with the same man for 12 years and it's worked so far. Knock on pressboard.
I didn't think you were preaching at all. I'm here for ideas as well. As I mentioned, there really isn't any romance, which doesn't bother me. Though, if I see an idea I like, I may use it and spice things up a bit! I know we're big on the whole never going to bed angry and always kissing and saying we love each other before leaving in the morning.
Each of us have to find our own happy medium. Ray and I are working on 25 years this December. I was 29 when we got married and spent the first year... (felt like it) pregnant and the next 17 raising Moselle and working outside the home. she's been out on her own since about 8 months after graduation but not independent if you follow my drift. In the last 2 years she started taking charge of her life and started bible college for personal fullfillment and figured out how to get grants to cover all her schooling this year. I'm really proud of her. But it has made it possible to do things together that we never had time to do before. So Ray and I are learning to spend time together and not just watch tv together. Sims get played on the weekends early in the am, until Ray gets up, fortunately he likes to sleep in late.
Whew. Gotta have your guiltfree sim time. Which is why I'm still typing at midnight when I should be in me bed. Just finished playing, have a fun new idea for a character in my town that's going to take a little work on my part ... too tired to work on it now.
As for romance, that's a hard thing to sustain in a relationship. My husband has taught me to find the romance in the small things ... walking to the voting polls together yesterday was a "date." We sneak off to lunch together if I get home from work early and there's time before we have to pick up our child. We take the dog for walks together (though not as often as the dog might like ...) And we always, always thank each other for doing things around the house. I have a friend in a new relationship who does that too and her boyfriend thought it was weird, but I told her, "tell him it's part of the reason we've been married for 11 + years." You'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel about doing the laundry/dishes/vacuuming if someone thanks you for doing it. After all, you could just let it all pile up. A little appreciation goes a long way.
Well not that I'm a big expert on this but I do have a couple of tips. One is if you have your own private bathroom write messages to each other on the steamed up mirror. It's sorta private and its a surprise to find when you step out of the shower. Some friends of mine used to have a quiet corner in their bedroom that was their date area. They didn't have the extra money to go on dates so they had a loveseat and romantic lighting in this one area. When the kids went to bed they would go have a cup of coffee together and talk or whatever. My sister has a specific candle that smells like her favorite cologne that her hubby wears, well at least it used to smell like it. Anyway when he comes home from work and sees that candle out on the coffee table he knows he's not going to get to sleep early. For the rest of the evening they go through their normal routine with the kids with that expectation of what's to come later. Ruthie
What a romantic idea! And so subtle. Hard to get things past the kiddies sometimes. A date area sounds like a great idea. Our usual "coffee corner" is usually strewn with the detritus of the day. Not very romantic.
Thanks y'all for the tips. Hubby and I are doing better. Y'all are right, we just need a little bit of romance, and it's hard to concentrate on that when you're thinking about mortgage payments and the kid's school-problems and how much your job stinks and all of that. LOL Keep the tips coming. I'm making note of them.
