Outstanding, Michelle. I found a few lines printed out on a paper on the lunch table at work. Thought I'd share: How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro Sinko What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
I've heard these before but they still made me laugh. Here's one I made up the other day: What do you get when you put your hat on a rattlesnake? A new hat.
Farmer Bernie lived on a quiet rural highway here in Ontario. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer Bernie called the OPP's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the police. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer Bernie called the police and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the police sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer Bernie called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the police, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The police told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer Bernie do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The police office got no more calls from Farmer Bernie. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the policeman and he decided to give Farmer Bernie a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The policeman was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the policeman drove out to Farmer Bernie's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY Go slow and watch out for chicks!!
That unfortunately is too true... but I chuckled anyway. By the way have you heard this one?... Best come back line of the year If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. ?The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. ?But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? ?Let me ask you this then officer. ?Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and SOMETIMES LAWYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO WALK THROUGH THAT ROOM!" The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A joke from my hubbie's news group... An acoustic guitarist is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie. "Thank you, oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, grateful to the acoustic guitarist. "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you three wishes - but I must caution you that whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist in the world will receive double" explains the genie. "Not a problem" says the acoustic guitarist. "Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master?" "$10 million in small bills" says the acoustic guitarist unhesitatingly. "Good choice, Master" and poof! Right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every electric guitarist in the world now has $20 million in their account. "And your next wish, Master?" "A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar and presto! Right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlayed and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen. And of course every electric guitarist now has two of these guitars in their living rooms, knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two. "You've made excellent choices thus far, Master. What is your final wish?" The acoustic guitarist thinks for a minute, rubs his chin, squints at the bright sky, and says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
a story with a punchline This explains why we forward jokes. A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." Soooo. Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime
I agree...but I hate when my friends forward me chain letters, like "I'm a scary girl with no ears or eyes, and I just got murdered last night. Send this to 5 people in the next 5 minutes, or I'll come to get you at midnight!" It's like...who actually believes that? What kind of loser wastes their time sending those to people?
You're right, 123. Some jokes are just downers. But some jokes, on the other hand, make you smile for the rest of the day. Those are the kind we should forward.
Ahem. WHEN U ALREADY START READING THIS DONT STOP OR ELSE SUMTHIN BAD WILL HAPPEN .... MY NAME IS TEDDY...I AM 7 YEARS OLD WITH BLONDE HAIR AND SCARY EYES. I HAVE NO NOSE OR EARS. I AM DEAD. IF U DO NOT SEND THIS TO 15PPL IN THE NEXT 5 MIN., I WILL APPEAR TONIGHT BY YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL YOU. THIS IS NO JOKE SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U TONIGHT AT 10:22. SOMEONE WILL CALL U OR TALK TO U ONLINE AND SAY I LOVE YOU. DONT BREAK IT. (copy n paste) I got that one - and just as I went 'tuh, not another of those', my bedroom door opened all by itself. And then I got scared but I didn't forward it instead I replied to him saying those messages scared the poop outta me and he posted a lovely message on my website saying haha Emma's scared of the teddies. What I wouldn't give for an easy life.
Doors and drawers open autonomously in my home too, but I blame it on the slanted angle that the house is sitting on. Like, if you put a tennis ball on the ground, it starts rolling to the west.
Not sure if anyone's seen this before, but it's funny all the same: Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the Judge’s table, asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have all the free beer I could drink during the tasting, so I said " I’m your man"! Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Frank : Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy! Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili Judge # 1: Smoky (Barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I‘ve located a $#!@%&^%$!*()%%$ Uranium spill . My nose feels like I’ve been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in front of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled . . . it’s kinda cute. Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me, except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3, as he appears to be in a bit of distress. Frank: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds as if it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing , it’s just too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue. Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili Judge #1: This final entry is a good, balance chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number # 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Judge #2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Frank: Momma??!!@@##$$%%^^&&**(())++
Mmmmm .... me love spicy food. The hotter the better. Spicy's my favorite flavor. I use Chipotle sauce like ketchup. Oh, and funny joke, BTW.
