Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. Police suspect a cereal killer
The importance of spelling... A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R, we missed the R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "After all these years..... the word was celebrate .........."
Senior Driving As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________ An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. S he is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _______________________________________ Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was r eally concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, Am I driving??" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I want to die in my sleep not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car with him.
Yes, because then you stop looking ... My favorite limerick follows. Ahem. Dedicated to the residents of At Least It Has a Roof, who cannot yet afford a floor. I wish that my house had a floor I don't care so much for a door But this floating around Without touching the ground Is getting to be quite a bore!
LOL ... I liked that joke but am I being picky in observing that leaving out the R isn't enough .... celibate being the unfortunate word I assumed.
*holds up her hands* I'm innocent...I just copied and pasted...honestly I didn't even notice the mistake! LOL. It's still funny though.
youse guys! I love you all. It was funny ... but it is even funnier that I had to go check three dictionaries before I commented. My spelling isn't up to much, especially when I am faced with multi-choice options. Left to my own devices I tend to get words right but show me an alternative spelling and I lose the will to decide
Meanwhile .... Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like....night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 5. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand. 10. OK...so what's the speed of dark? 11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. 14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow.
Texasisms *aggravated: used to describe everything from mild annoyance to dangerous, murderous rage. Usually pronounced "agger-vated." *all swole up: an alternative to aggravated, but sometimes carries connotations of being obstinate, proud and self-abosorbed, in addition to being aggravated. *all choked up: upset, overcome with emotions (other than aggravation). A person is usually "all choked up" when they are deeply moved by sadness or by the thoughtfulness of others. *all worked up: in a state of aggravation, arousal of some type, in a state of deeply offended pride, offended sensibilities, in a state of anxiety, etc. Agitated. *Arbuckle" a synonym for coffee, when the Arbuckle brand was virtually the only one available. Too much coffee causes the "Arbuckle thumps". *ball: usually means football. *blinky: adjective used to describe milk that has begun to sour. *blue norther: storm that comes up as a giant, blue-black cloud of cold air comes over the warm gulf air and "just about freezes us to death!" Rain and wind may accompany the black cloud. *catty whompus: used to describe something that doesn't fit properly or is out of line. *clabber milk: butter milk *come hell or high water: shows determination to proceed, regardless of the problems, obstacles, etc. *conniptions: to have conniptions is to get upset and raise a ruckus. *crusty: tough and/or bad tempered man, woman or horse. *dad blame it, dad gum it, dag nab it: euphamisms coined to allow expressive speech without swearing. *dinner: depending on the Dillo, this can be the noontime meal or the evening meal. *eat up: eaten up, destroyed, oxidized. *fess up: admit. *fit to be tied: really upset. *fixins: food; the rest of the meal, excluding the main dish. *fixin' ta" getting ready to do something. *frog-strangler: an extraordinary amount of rain. *galoot: an old cowboy term meaning "old rascal." It's generally meant affably. *go ahead on: "You go ahead, I'll catch up later." *go to the house: go in for dinner/supper, depending on the Dillo. *gully-washer: an extraordinary amount of rain. *hissy fit: This term was never actually defined, but I get the impression it's a state of extreme agitation and not a pretty thing to see. *howdy: How do you do? *i'll swan: used instead of "I swear." *larrupin': a few fingers tastier than finger-lickin' good. *lit out: took off, started out, or absconded across some terrain. *looker: a pretty girl. *maverick: a loner, an independent cuss, wild. First used to describe cattle owned by Sam Maverick of Galveston Island. His cattle were "wild-like" and he'd swim them across West Bay and join up with the herd going north. When cattle broke the herd, the wranglers said, "That's one of Maverick's." *norther: a storm; not as bad as a blue norther. *nu-uh: no. *ole cuss: an old rascal (or galoot) who is tough and/or bad-tempered. *over yonder: a directional phrase meaning "over there." *over in through there, also: you go up in through there. Directional phrase; one I'm told foreigners (read: anybody except a Texan) have trouble understanding. *place: an individual's farm or ranch. *plug: common mutt horse. *plug-ugly: see above. This is definitely not a compliment, and should not be treated as such. *pole-axed: knocked down, smashed flat, with dramatic force. *post oak: wood that is hard and resistant to rot and can be used for fenceposts. *ridin' high: doin' aw'right; probably a reference to the quality of horse you are riding. If you're poor, you ride a burro (short) or a plug. If you're wealthy, you might ride a thoroughbred or Tennessee Walker; therefore, you're ridin' high. *shoot: an expletive (should be used with an exclamation point). *slaunchways: a piece of wood that is cut on an angle is cut slaunchways. *sorry: a particularly important Texas adjective meaning worthless, no-count, useless, bad. Enhanced inflection makes it more emphatic. *squaddies (or is that quaddies? cowboys. This was a very common term in the 19th century. *supper: Once again, depending on the Dillo, this can be either the noon or the evening meal. *sweet milk: milk that tastes good. t*rd-floater: a very heavy downpour. *taken to: began, adapted, started liking. Use #l: He's taken to drinking." Use #2: She's taken to that new job of hers right off." *tank: pond *the friendly creature: 19th century term for whiskey. *truck: food or trust in, believe in, approve of, as in " I don't take no truck with his drinkin' " . *tump: to spill or dump *walkin' in tall cotton: doin' aw'right (see ridin' high) *waller: as far as I can tell, this is an extremely useful, if somewhat vague verb of many uses. It's usually used as a past participle. "The wheel was wallered out." or "The Dillo List wallered down an gave that little nawthun lady a bunch of Texas Tawk." *whole nuther thing: something else entirely *whomperjawed: when something is not fitting properly, e.g., "You'll never get that wine open, the corkscrew is all whomperjawed!"*wore out: fatigued, exhausted; also sometimes used for "worn out" machinery, etc. * * * * * * * * * * * *yankee/damnyankee type of human who is at the bottom of many Texas methaphysical, moral and cultural paradigms. Damnyankee is thought to be objectively descriptive rather than profane, and it is comfortably accomodated in some social environments where "bad language" is otherwise controlled by inherent coercive prohibitions. (Note: Although it is often said that damnyankees do a pretty good job of compiling Texasisms.) (now I'd like to see a paragraph using all the above???)
This is cute... Sunday Clothes A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. "Hello" said the little boy. "Hi" replied the little girl. "Where are you going"? asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl. "Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church". "Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy. "I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the little girl. "My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy. "I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across". "That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit". So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked. "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist".
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
