a few more blonde jokes... Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????" CAR TROUBLE: A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET: A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK: There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE: A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." IN A VACUUM: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
"zen Sarcasm" 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the h___ alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Michelle, there are tears running down my face because I've been laughing so hard with a hand over my mouth so that I won't wake up my husband.
Ponderisms * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. * Life is sexually transmitted. * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. * Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" * Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (think about this one...) * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? * Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
LOL, Shana. I especially liked the one about "dying of nothing." I really did LOL. Good thing I'm alone today ...
Dr. Question and Answer Session Don't know if anyone's posted this one yet... Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
this one made me lol AN ICE CREAM CONE A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. "Pull yourself together," she chided herself. "You 're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!" The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then when she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change--but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
LOL at the ice cream joke. Hehehe I can totally see that happening, kinda like walking into a wall or street light as you have your eyes following an attractive guy.
What a marvelously good end to a long day, reading the jokes posted here. Thank you, friends. They're all hysterical.
thank goodness for a kids view of life Children's Science Exam Answers ******************************** Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink Because it removes large pollutants Like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends To flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpet on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.go., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: A Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
This one is a little bit more of a quiz, but it made me laugh as I can answer most of these with a yes and ended up with a score of 23; meaning that I am truely a Cat Addict!! Are You a Cat Addict??????? (author unknown) [SIZE=-1]1. Do you, or have you ever owned a cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]2. Have you felt like you are the pet? [SIZE=-1]3. Do you spend more time playing/cuddling with your cat(s) than reading a book or watching TV?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]4. Does your cat(s) eat better than you?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]5. Does your cat(s) furniture look nicer than the people furniture?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]6. Does your cat have more toys than you do?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]7. Do you spend more on the cat toys and food than you do on treats for yourself?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]8. Are your cat(s) considered family members with complete voting rights?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]9. Do you move over at night so the cat(s) have more room in bed?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]10. Have you bought/considered buying a bigger bed so the cat(s) have more room?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]11. Are nose prints on windows a permanent fixture?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]12. Do you/have you ever gotten down on all fours and batted a cat toy to entice your cat(s) to play?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]13. Do you mimic the meows and purrs of a cat?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]14. Can you purr while inhaling and exhaling?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]15. Do you refer to yourself/spouse/partner as Mommy/Meowmie or Daddy?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]16. Do you refer to your cat(s) as "furbaby" or "furkid"?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]17. Have you ever moved for the comfort of your cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]18. Have you chosen a spouse/partner based on your cat(s) recommendation?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]19. Have you ever just watched a sleeping cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]20. Have you ever gone to the store to buy a necessary item such as TP, shampoo, etc., only to find yourself driving away with cat toys, having completely forgotten why you went in the first place?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]21. Have you ever changed your sleeping habits or positions for the comfort of your cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]22. Have you ever found yourself sleeping in the exact same position as your cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]23. Have you ever rearranged the furniture so that your cat(s) have better access to windows?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]24. Does your collection of cat-related books, magazines, or videos takeup an entire bookshelf/case?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]25. Is the cat theme a primary decorating technique?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]26. Have you ever caught yourself bird-watching with your cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]27. Is cat hair a major food group?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]28. Have you ever opened a can of cat food and thought "that smells kinda good"?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]29. Do you like cats better than most people?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]30. Do you feel guilty if you go out to eat and not bring back something for your cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]31. Do you spend more on your cat(s) than on yourself?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]32. Have you turned the TV to an animal show so your cats can watch?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]33. Do you spend more time on cat-related chat boards and pages than anywhere else?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]34. Do you read snippets of cat magazines or books to your cat(s)?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]35. Are cats the most fascinating creatures on earth?[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]----------------------------[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]Add up all your YES answers to get your cat-itis score![/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]8 or less: You have caught the bug, but are still relatively sane. Just give it time.[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]9-16: You have a mild case of cat-itis. Seek no medical treatment; there is no cure. Now is the time to begin playing with cat toys and seeking new toys around the house. Work on that meow, the tone is slightly off.[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]17-26: Your condition is severe. Cats have a firm hold on your life. This is the point where anything cat is more interesting than people. Your purr may still need work though.[/SIZE] [SIZE=-1]27+: You are now an honorary cat, you may groom yourself when and where you please. You have the purr and meow down pat. It is not unusual to find yourself thinking as a cat.[/SIZE] [/SIZE]
these have been around once or twice High School essay test answers: =================================== Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it .. ------------------------------------------------------------- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too. ------------------------------------------------------------ The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ------------------------------------------------------------- Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock Which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline. ------------------------------------------------------------- In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. --------------------------------------------------------------- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus" ------------------------------------------------------------- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. ------------------------------------------------------------- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. ------------------------------------------------------------- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. ------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking. ------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. ------------------------------------------------------------- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. ------------------------------------------------------------- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. ------------------------------------------------------------- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. ------------------------------------------------------------- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. _________________________________________________________________ On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career ------------------------------------------------------------- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. ------------------------------------------------------------- Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ------------------------------------------------------------- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. ------------------------------------------------------------- Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. ------------------------------------------------------------- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. ----------------------------------------------------- Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. ------------------------------------------------------------- Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. ------------------------------------------------------------- Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess ------------------------------------------------------------- There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Michelle, I can't stop laughing at those. I'm going to print them out and take them to work, along with your other post, "I believe..." which is beautiful. Thank you.
