That is hilarious thats really really funniest thing iv'e seen in a long time I like the elven plus two.
Subject: A Jigsaw Puzzle for Blondes A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to lineup a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast,"Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, theytell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and downtheir drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are youtoasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsawpuzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years'
LOL! Those anagrams are amazing - especially the election results one. I liked the astronomy one too. Thanks for sharing them Michelle!
A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state . "RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Elder Humor An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you'reabout my age. How do you feel? Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby" 'Really!? Like a newborn baby? "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The twogentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the onethat's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in thekitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure" "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks." "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?" A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married? Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse ." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!" Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' " A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Subject: Ireland Declares War on France Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you. "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight. Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command. "Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back. Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks, "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
*Californians* So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $200,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? 6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 7. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? 8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 9. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 10. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 11. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 12. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal? 13. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." 14. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 15. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 16. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 17. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons. 18. The Terminator is your governor. 19. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Something to make you laugh! LOL **A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."** The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"*
LOL, Michelle. I'm sending all of these to my daughter, who lives in California. And her father's family is Irish.
In honor of April 15... Government True-isms: Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -.George Bernard Shaw A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P.J. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -Mark Twain A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson
I especially like Mark Twain. I am reminded of Ambrose Bierce, the source of the following: To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. The covers of this book are too far apart. Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.
Well if you're going to quote dead funny Americans, I'd like to quote a dead funny Englishman: From Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency 1987 byDouglas Adams (1952-2001) "(...) Sir Isaac Newton, renowned inventor of the milled-edge coin and the catflap!" "The what?" said Richard. "That catflap! A device of the utmost cunning, perspicuity and invention. It is a door within a door, you see, a ..." "Yes," said Richard, "there was also the small matter of gravity." "Gravity," said Dirk with a slightly dismissed shrug, "yes, there was that as well, I suppose. Though that, of course, was merely a discovery. It was there to be discovered." ... "You see?" he said, "They even keep it on at weekends. Someone was bound to notice sooner or later. But the catflap ... ah, there is a very different matter. Invention, pure creative invention."
Did You Ever Wonder? - If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? - Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. - Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? - Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking . . . Just Check This Out ! ! ! ! Scroll down slowly and be honest to yourself. Think like a wizard . . man 1... board Ans. = man overboard Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it. stand 2. i Ans. = I understand OK . . Got the drift ? Let's try a few now and see how you fare ? 3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ Ans. = reading between the lines 4. r road a d Ans. = cross roads Not having a good day now, are you ? Redeem yourself. 5. cycle cycle cycle Ans. = tricycle Easy to figure out, ha! 0 6. M.D., Ph.D. Ans. = two degrees below zero C'mon give it a little thought ! ! knee 7. light Ans. = neon light ( knee - on - light ) I'm sure you'll have not problem getting this one. ground 8. feet feet feet feet feet feet Ans. = six feet underground Good One, try this!! 9. he's X himself Ans. = he's by himself Here's an easy one!! 10. ecnalg Ans. = backward glance Not even close ?!!? 11. death ..... life Ans. = life after death Okay last chance ................ 12. THINK Ans. = think big ! ! And the last one is very fun- - - 13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb... Ans. = long time no 'C'
