Fae just be glad these aren't your kids! "CHEERIOS" A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's time we started cussin." The 4 year old nods his head with approval. The 6 year old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you say ***". OK", the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mom in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step of the way. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "you can stay there 'till I let you out." She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I, I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your *** it won't be Cheerios."
oh dear! The poor kid just didn't get it! I'm glad I never decided it was time to start cussing as a kid, in fact I decided NOT to when I was 8 and I've stuck with it for 23 years now... because I'm stubborn...
The Forum wouldn't let me spell it out, however here are some letters to the pastor... Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold Age 8, Nashville Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Age 11, Anderson Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen Age 9, Tacoma Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important then money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor Age 12, Sarasota Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie Age 10, New York City Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen Age 9, Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Command- ments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie Age 9, Lewiston
Then Fae, can you tell me if this is true? :surprised: YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS in JULY WHEN... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. No where BUT TEXAS.................Right?
I actually have real life first hand experience with these!! :confusion: Although the sun tea wasn't QUITE instant... but half an hour is practically instant when it comes to sun brewing, right?
My Mom sent me this one... I'm sure I've seen this before, but it seemed especially appropriate as demands on our time become more and more pressing. Have a cup of coffee while you read it. The mayonnaise jar & the coffee. When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "Yes," The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend
Question: What exactly is a rude man? Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, What is a rude man? And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words. In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he's a rude man. =P *Scroll down* > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That's very funny. I'm sitting here with my sinuses draining and all stuffed up and I needed a good chuckle. thanks.
Yeah, yeah, I know no double posting but... Windows Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago andI had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
Oh dear! hahahahahahaaa... that must have been quite an argument... Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with people who would be like that....
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I've heard it before but I love that one! The version I heard was "vexed by halitosis" instead of "hexed" though. Both work!!
Loved the photo Flameback....hmm, if that poor bomb tech had done to the "rude man" what most of us would have felt like doing, do you think he could have been acquitted of "justifiable homicide"? Here was a little poem I saw that I found kinda amusing about a lady who never took any chances: Epitaph: Here lies the bones of Mary Jones, For her life had no terrors; She lived an old maid She died an old maid No runs, no hits No errors.
Word origins Word origins - who would have thunk it????? In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the _expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." ************************************************************** As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy ************************************************************** In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the _expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board." ************************************************************** Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the _expression "losing face." ************************************************************** Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman . . as in "straight laced" . . wore a tightly tied lace. ************************************************************** Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck." ************************************************************** Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip." ************************************************************** At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's." ************************************************************** One more In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper _expression, didn't you.)
