Here's one for you, Princess: A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :knockedout: I havent heard a good joke that makes me laugh for 3 months not bad:bunny: got another one michelle
I'm not sure who this one is for... Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him, anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly, he noticed a lamp, half buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it, and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish." "Well", said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?", the Prince asked. The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana.", said Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla", and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful, at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's go have another look at that dog."
building the 2nd ark... 2005 In the year 2005, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard..... but, no ark! "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Planning and Zoning Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, overpasses and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals; I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Civil Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Customs and Immigration Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?". "No", said the Lord. "The Government has beaten me to it."
what no one but me likes jokes? For Book... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................(drum roll) So I took her to a gas station*! (top hat!)
Have I done any for Mirrelly? Lars asked Ole, "Da ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight inshoorance!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are verking." Ole: "Yah, No, Yah, No, Yah, No, Yah, No...." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said,"Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Svedes does it take to grease a combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know," Ole said, "Only two, if you run them tru veal slow." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly? No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den,"Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!" -----------------------------------------------------------------Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come," asked Lars? "Vell," Ole answered, "because vit a clarinet, she can't sing." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter." ----------------------------------------------------------------- To those in North Dakota, Minnesota, and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the sad news that Ole was shot. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?" Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!" Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.
for the wizeguy Subject: Three dead bodies Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 Year Old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "The Second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from North Dakota, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."
this is not a double post The World According To Woman: One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble, set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared & asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - - silence - - HUSBAND: ****
