The Twenty and the One: A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
I love jokes but just found this thread ... here's my daughter's favorite: What's brown and sticky? A stick!
I like your daughter's humor. Here are some ironic bumper stickers: IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Horn Broken... Watch For Finger. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Earth Is Full - Go Home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illiterate? Write For Help. ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If Anything Falls Off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fight Crime: Shoot Back! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ax Me About Ebonics. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Boldly Going Nowhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Caution - Driver Legally Blonde. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~~~~ All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND Lastly: "POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
From someone who is blonde herself often enough... Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
Go Figure! -----Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners: 1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
this one's for Josh Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagementin New York and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor? The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because..........He's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur.
no... it definitely belongs in the coffeehouse. Now here are some politically incorrect jokes apologies in advance no offense meant: Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes. Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother. The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner. Q - How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? A -(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want I should bother anybody. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow." ==================================== No Speaka de English A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'." Please, PLEASE don't ban me slim...
An ancient Polish joke (in Poland they refer to it as the Russian joke) -- What's written on the top step of a Polish ladder? STOP!
Or label reputedly applied to the base of turf (sods) in the dumb nation of your choice: "Green Side Up"
Did you hear the one about the two flakes who were driving to Disneyland and saw a sign that said "Disneyland left"? They turned around and went home.
Here are a couple of old jokes (1995)-- C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . . Best file compression around: "DEL *.* = 100% compression Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay. . . File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.? (Y/N) "640K ought to be enough for anybody" - Bill Gates, 1981
DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
Euro-English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
