Are you flying soon? Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. +++ P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. +++ P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. +++ P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. +++ P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. +++ P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. +++ P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. +++ P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. +++ P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. +++ P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. +++ P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. +++ P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. +++ P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. +++ P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. +++ And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
Those are great ... I've read some of them before ... here's another one: Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease by steve.longlad@odyssey.on.ca 1) Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. 2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date." 3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. 4) Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. 5) Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. 6) Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'. 7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. 8) Your cow thought Bruce Seldon would beat Mike Tyson. 9) Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. 10) Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. 11) She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. 12) Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket. 13) Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it. 14) Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards. 15) Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars. 16) Your cow seems to actually enjoy being "Hogtied". 17) Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time. 18) Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"! 19) Your cow starts smoking the cowlick. 20) Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar". 21) Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows. 22) Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose. 23) You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. 24) Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds. 25) Your cow gets a job at the Beef Marketing Board. 26) Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
1) Good An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD" and another sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!) 2) Better A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. 3) Absolute Best A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Did you hear the one about the Buddhist monk and the hot dog cart vendor? The monk said, "Make me one, with everything."
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that sign right?
Blonde in a boat A blonde was driving past a field, when she looked to her right and saw another blonde in the field, rowing a boat. She was so furious she stopped and yelled, "What the hell do you think you're doing?! This sort of thing gives us blondes a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
I know I've seen this before... but did I post it?? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A short time later a lovely German shepherd dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have good computer skills." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample Excel spreadsheet and Oracle database, retouched a picture with Photoshop, then presented them all to the manager. The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you." The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer." The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual." The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow"
How Was I Born Maybe Slim shouldn't read this one? The mystery is gone ... How was I born? The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad responds, ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've got male!
Mom's Brownie Recipe" _____ Here's a recipe to make Mom's Famous Brownies! *Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. *Melt one cup margarine in saucepan. *Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "No, no." *Add margarine to two cups sugar. *Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. *Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. *Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat. *Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. *Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. *Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. *Take telephone away from Jr. and assure the party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. *Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. *Let cat out of refrigerator. *Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. *Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. *Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. *Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. *Frosting -- Mix the following into saucepan: One cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine. *Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. *Answer the door and meekly explain to the nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. *Put Jr. in playpen. *Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. *Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. *Tie Billy to clothesline. *Remove burned brownies from oven. YUMMY!!!
Going through my humor files this week ... "SOMEBODY" SAID... Somebody said a mother is an unskilled laborer. . .somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath. Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby. . . somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history. Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses and changing diapers. . . somebody doesn't know that a child is much more than the shell he lives in. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . . .somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring . . .somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said teachers, psychologists and pediatricians know more about children than their mothers . . . somebody hasn't invested her heart in another human being. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out" . . . somebody thinks a child is like a bag of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold and guarantee. Somebody said being a mother is what you do in your spare time . . . somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother, you're a mother ALL the time. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . .somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first. . . somebody doesn't have five children. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books . . . somebody never had a child stuff legos up his nose. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery. . . somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back. . . somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married . . . somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home . . . somebody never had grandchildren. Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate of life . . . somebody doesn't know what fills you up. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her . . . somebody isn't a mother. by Renee Hawkley, "Don't Come In Here! Mom's Throwing Spaghetti"
oh, i've got a great one: Subject: A Woman's Hair Story Hair removal 101 God love the woman who shared this... All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax... My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm, you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK?!!!* So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end. (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my nether regions and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP...everything is swirly and spotted! Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip, which has caused me so much pain, with hair sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! The most sensitive part of my body is now covered in cold wax and matted hair! Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. NOOO!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. Nether region? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off. Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water; which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her! I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!! Like I'm going to be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your nether regions covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me when I discover the saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..................................THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
will save to computer and try to repost......... thx failed again....... maybe I'll just have to email it?
From my Father-in-law Minnesota humor Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the Conor Pass. At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me." BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE! PART TWO: Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!! PART THREE: Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting ..... and now Lars is hengliding.....
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run, anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Unrest in Brazil Two Blonde students are in the cafeteria and see a newspaper with this headline: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." One student shakes her head at the sad news and turns to her friend: "How many is a Brazilian?"
