Oh, Michelle, so funny. It takes me back. #18 and #19! I've been there! What's that awful smell coming from his bedroom? It's raw chicken in a bag under his bed for a week. And what's that smell coming from the oven? A melted plastic bottle of white glue looks as gruesome as it smells. As for #15 -- computer disc drives don't eject PB&J sandwiches, either.
*cannot stop laughing* Being the mean 17 year old I am, I once endevored to talk for at least an hour using only one word.... "No way" Conv. w/ mom: Did you do your homework? Me: Way. Did you feed the dog? Me: Way. Are you mocking me? Me: No way. You;re mocking me. Me: No way. Why are you talking like that? Me: Waaay! (Pronounced Wahaay) I give up. Me: Way? STOP IT! Me: Way. *insert mom screaming obcenities and calling my grandmother to discuss me and drug use.* I explained this to my mom later... and she couldn't stop laughing.
as a lil' texas redneck child... Most of that applies to our little town... especially that bait shop thing... but if they have chinese food there as well as bait and videos BUY IT! Its awesome and can cure constipation if you just look at it. So yummy... but so... well, you know. "He needed Killin'" IS a valid excuse....
This wasn't supposed to be funny, but... "The next time you hear someone in government, or big business, rather casually use a number that includes the word 'billion', think about the actual volume of a 'billion'. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend. One advertising agency did a rather good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: * A billion seconds ago it was 1959. * A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. * A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. * A billion days ago no creature walked the earth on two feet. * But...a billion dollars lasts only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate the government spends it."
three jokes told to me by one of my riders... 1. Why is the tomato red? Because it's blushing. 2. Why is the tomato blushing? Because it saw the Salad dressing. 3. What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue? A nun falling down the stairs.
Oooh I heard a different version. Q. What goes black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A. A Nun rolling down a hill. Q. What goes black and white ha-ha? A. The Nun that pushed her.
Yes, yes, I'm still here.... Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He **** near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "There's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, and that is when a guy has a "bit" he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"
For Babe and any other blonde wantabes Subject: The final answer is...... A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?" The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend that seemed to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way...how did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Thankyou, Bubba! Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
I got one! I'm not sure if it's already been posted, though... A girl named Rose asked her father, "Why am I named Rose?" The father replied, "Because a rose fell on you when you were born." Rose's sister asked, "Why did you name me Daisy?" "A daisy fell on you when you were born." The third daughter said, "Uhhnuhgsss." "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT Let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay?
LMAO, Michelle. Very funny. :rotfl: Of course, any lawyer ( :bandit: ) could tell you that you always blame those with the deepest pockets :dollarsign: .
From my husbands email.... A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment, they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear".
Old man with a Corvette He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Finally he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the trooper. OK, this is probably an old one but it still amused me and maybe some here haven't seen it before.
