The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent."
LMAO! I wish I hadn't let my eyes flicker towards the bottom though when I was halfway through. I still giggled though!
I heard this one on the radio this morning: Suppose you come to a lake and see a lawyer and an IRS agent drowning... Would you eat lunch or would you read the newspaper?
About retirement.... Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Underwear and tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answers: The never ending Coffee Break . Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
This is so true. My father used to say this -- he was so busy. In the beginning it was true because of everything he got involved in, particularly with church. Later on, when his health prevented those activities, he still insisted he was very busy.
Hey, has everyone seen this? The first time I read it I laughed so hard I fell off my chair. http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html Enjoy!
To each their own, I guess. I think it's pretty hilarious. I especially like the part about him being "neither the king or queen of cheese."
I got into the list OK. Really very funny. It also helps to read about Skippy himself and how the list got started. Outstanding stuff. I know some people in the service. Career service people. They can be a little intense. Skippy definitely is not the career type and saw the humor in his experience. (edited for the third time, sheesh) Reminds me just a little of Catch 22.
For all the Dieters out there... After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed .. "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, there it was... ...on the eighth time around the block. *"God is so Good!"*
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, turn to Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
Lol! Oh yeah, post 143 was impossible Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". Tee hee hee!
Glad you're enjoying the list. Liked your jokes too, Michelle. Very funny. I'd forgotten the one about rodents. That was pretty good. Hey, if you're in the army, a sense of humor may be your best tool for survival.
put your brain on auto-pilot Remember They Vote Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! . . . . . . . . . . . . . These people Vote While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff" . . . . . . . She ALSO votes! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time? "W anting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . .He ALSO votes! ========= My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . . . . . . She ALSO votes! ========= My cousin has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . My cousin ALSO votes! ========= My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . . . . He ALSO votes! ========= I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. . . . . . . . . . My friend ALSO votes! ======== I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? ". . . . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes! ======== While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 Yep, he votes too.
