3 people die, they're in heaven at the gates waiting to get in. St. Peter is told he is only alolowed to let in 1/3 of all the people who die ever day. He is told to let in the person who die the worst death. He speaks to the first man and asks how he died. "well i knew my wife was having an affair, i walked inside and i could smell aftershave, she was in the shower but no other man was in the house. I then walked outside to the balcony and saw someone hanging over the ledge crying for help. I took a hammer to his fingers but he safely landed in a bush. I then took our fridge and dropped it on him, he died. Then i felt so guilty i shot myself." St.Peter was shocked, he then asked how the second man died. "i was on my tredmill which was by the window and it went too fast, i then slipt and got thrown out the window. I managed to grab onto a balcony as i fell, but a maniac smashed m fingers with a hammer, i landed in a bush and thought i was safe, alas i was crushed with a fridge and found myself here." St.Peter was shocked even more, he then turned to the third man. "how did you die?" "well, imagine you're hiding, naked in a fridge....
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all escaped from the same prison. They were being chased by the prison guards as they made their way into the woods. "Quick!" The brunette said. "Climb up a tree!" They all climbed up a tree. The guards approached, with their guns drawn. A guard looked up into the tree where the brunette was. "Who's up there?!" He yelled. The brunette chirped like a bird. The guard says to the other, "Nothin'." The second gard looked up into the redhead's tree, and shouted, "Hey! Who's up there?!" The redhead made noises like a squirrel, and the guard said, "Huh. Nothin' here either." The first guard made his way to the blonde's tree, and said "Who's up there?" The blonde said, "Moooooo." A blonde was driving through the country, when she came upon a large farm, where she saw lots of sheep. She pulled over, and walked up to the farmer. She said, "My, those sheep are so cute! If I guess how many you have, could I have one?" The farmer thought about this, and figured she probably wouldn't guess correctly, and said "Sure, why not?" The blonde thought for a second, and said "63." "Wow!" The farmer exclaimed. "That's right! I guess you can take one." The blonde thanked the farmer, and picked out a sheep she liked. As she was walking back toward her car, the farmer said "Hey! How about this? If I guess your real hair color, could I have my dog back?"
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head, The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can't take it any more. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace. He goes to Caesar's Palace. The voice says, "Make your way to the Roulette table." He goes to the Roulette table. The voice says, "Put all your money on red 23." He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says, "Crap."
I bought my wife a car, it took her a week to learn how to drive, then another week to learn how to aim.
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." Poof. The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." Poof. The mirror swallows her. Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." Poof.
hehe i know how to make blonde jokes even funnier.. replace the word "blonde" with "kristi" and... lol yeah! :bunny: why couldn't the kristi dial 911? she couldn't find eleven! haaaahaaaaaaaaa if thats already here, lo siento! *doesnt wanna search through all the posts*
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
Dear bookworm. I am still a Solicitor, old as I am, although I do not practise anymore. I am not a thief (so far as I know) and I have never been one. What happened the the priest when he died. Three people were waiting to go into heaven. Two of them said what a wonderful life they had led and how they were quite sure that Saint Peter would let them in immediately. He eventually came and let the third person, a blonde, I am told, in immediately. "Why" said one of the others "when I have done so much". "Because," said St Peter "she has just passed her test and had an accident on the first day. In those few hours driving she put the fear of God into more people than you have done in a lifetime." I am quite sure that I do that to my wife when I drive.
The Dog and The Leopard The Dog and The Leopard ======================== A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
Twas the Night Before Frances (in case you haven't read it yet) 'Twas the night before Frances When all through the state Not a gas pump was pumping Not a store open late All the plywood was hung On the windows with care Knowing that a hurricane Soon would be there The children were ready With flashlights in hand While bands from the hurricane Covered over the land And mamma with her Mag-Lite And I in my cap Had just filled the bath tub For flushing our crap When out on the lawn There arose such a clatter I sprang from the closet To see what was the matter The trees on the fence And the neighbor's roof torn Gave the fear of us dying In this terrible storm With a little wind gust So lively and quick I remembered quite clearly Our walls weren't brick More rapid than eagles Her courses they came And she whistled, and wafted And surged all the same Off shingles! Off sidings! Off rooftops! Off power! Down trees! Down fences! Down trailers! Down towers! In the center of Florida She continued to maul Screaming Blow Away! Blow Away! Blow Away All! As wind ripped and tossed The debris through the sky I peeked out the shutters At cars floating by So go to the safe-room My family did do With a portable radio And batteries too And then, in a twinkling I heard on the set The end was not coming For a few hours yet! As I calmed down the kids And was turning around Through the window it came With a huge crashing sound A tree branch it was All covered in soot The wind blew it smack-dab On top of my foot A bundle of twigs Now lay in a stack And my living room looks Like it was under attack The wind - how it howled! The storm - very scary! Myself and the family Were all too unwary The dangers of hurricanes Are serious, you know They are taken for granted As Frances did show With the winds dying down And the danger beneath I noticed my tool shed Was missing its sheath So I grabbed my last tarp And nailed it on down Then I got in my car And I headed to town The traffic was awful And stores had no ice My five gallon cooler Would have to suffice Generators were scarce Not one left in town There were trees on the roads And power lines down FEMA was ready With people to work Electrical companies Came in from New York And in the midst of This peculiar routine Another storm emerged Named Hurricane Jeanne I sprang to the car And gave my family a whistle Then away we all went Like a Tomahawk missile You could hear us exclaim As we drove out of sight "The hell with this place, Vermont seems just right!" (author unknown)
Tim, Tim...... LOL Well. I have a bunch of jokes about men.... a perfect revenge for all bloonde stories. (Did you know I'm actually dark blonde?) So here's some of them: "The couple Svensson was out in the car. The woman who didn't liked the way her husband was driving said: Look how you're driving your ...... The man yelled: Whos driving? you ror me? The women sighed: Don't you know even that?" :silly: "Only a man can get the idea - and do it - of buying a $ 500 car and put in a $ 5000 stereo in it.....* :silly: *Why don't men get into real middleage crisis? - They're stuck in the teens...* :silly: *How do you know a man is planning for the future? - He buys 4 six-packs instead of 2....* *What's the different between a man and a puppy? - The puppy can be trained...* There you go guys and gals....
